Gratitude

This past Sunday one of the high counselor speakers spoke on gratitude. Something that I really needed to hear. I had planned on visiting another ward but as I started driving I felt that I needed to attend my own ward and I am so grateful that I did. Gratitude to my Heavenly Father has been especially hard for me this year.

Every year in primary we teach the children the importance of praying to our Heavenly Father. That he cares so much about us and wants to hear from us. He cares about what we care about. We teach them the order of prayer. How we greet our Heavenly Father and then go on to thank him for the many blessings that he has given us. As adults I think we sometimes get stuck saying the same things, which is OK if it is truly coming from our hearts instead of being spoken with little thought.

I shared a room with my youngest sister growing up. We are seven years apart in age. Because we shared a room I got to hear the prayers she gave with my mother kneeling by her side. She was quite creative and thoughtful when it came to thanking Heavenly Father. I don't remember all the cute things she said, but one that comes to mind was that she was thankful for Benjamin Franklin. Why? Because he came up with the bifocals which my mother needed to use to read. She was very specific when she gave thanks.

This past year I have had a hard time being grateful. When I first met with my therapist she had me write down three things that had happened that day that I was grateful for and then one negative thing. But that was not all. I needed to come up with a reason how that negative experience brought something into my life that I was grateful for. It wasn't always easy. Sometimes I would just write "I am alive." I kept writing in my thankful journal until a little after my JU experience and then I stopped. I'm not really sure why. My memory is seriously horrible.

But even now when I pray I struggle. Many times I say "I am trying my best to be grateful for this day." And that would be it. It is true that when we are amidst our struggles and trials it is hard to find the motivation to be grateful. I had plenty of things to be grateful for, but they seemed insignificant compared to my struggles. My struggle to find the desire to live. The desire to take one step at a time. The desire to see my therapist or psych nurse. Everything else felt inconsequential.

But one thing the high counselor pointed out is that by not thanking our Heavenly Father we miss out on blessings. And boy do we need some extra blessings when we are going through a difficult time. The Doctrine & Covenants touches upon this topic.

D&C 78: 17-19

17 "Verily, verily, I say unto you, ye are little children, and ye have not as yet understood how great blessings the Father hath in his own hands and prepared for you;"

18 "And ye cannot bear all things now; nevertheless, be of good cheer, for I will lead you along. The kingdom is yours and the blessings thereof are yours, and the riches of eternity are yours."

19 "And he who receiveth all things with thankfulness shall be made glorious; and the things of this earth shall be added unto him, even an hundred fold, yea, more."

Wow! What a promise we have been given. Heavenly Father has so much he wants to bless us with. He gives us blessings just because He loves us so much, but if we receive our blessings and express gratitude for them then Heavenly Father blesses us even more! It sounds so easy, and it is a win-win situation, but many times we get caught up in the things of the world, or we become to busy, or we don't even take the time to truly see all the blessings we have been given. Or in my case I get caught up in asking for things like understanding, strength, and peace to just name a few.

These last couple of weeks my depression and anxiety have deepened for many reasons: diet, lack of sleep (needing to rest a lot), situations I have been dealing with, lack of energy, adjusting to a higher does of a med, and the lack of exercise (because I am so weak). I have asked myself many times why am I still fighting? Maybe to return to live with my Heavenly Father, but what if that isn't what I want? What do I truly have to live for? I let Satan in when I am weak. Everyone that I have asked these questions to give similar answers: for your family, for Tom, for all those that love you, the world would be a different place without you, Heavenly Father has plans for you, Just hold on a little longer, these experiences will make you stronger.

I had a close friend advise me to make a list of all the things that I am grateful for. It is a proven fact that gratitude can bring peace, happiness, and a longer life. But I haven't wanted to acknowledge all the blessings I have been given. Especially since I haven't gotten what I expected on my own time table. I often have to remind myself that God's timing is perfect and to be patient. But that can be so hard when the thought of going to bed depresses you because it means another day is coming. A day where I will struggle with the same emotions. A day where I will have the same questions. A day where I am too weak to do too much, and the things I do get done have to be broken up throughout the day. I have been stubborn. I have not wanted to write a list of things that I am thankful for. But being thankful is a commandment, and it will bring us more blessings. I feel that I can use all the blessings that Heavenly Father is willing to give me. And so here I go. I am going to count my many blessings. Well at least a few, and these are not premeditated.

1. I am thankful for Tom. I don't know very many men who would be so patient and loving when their wives fight them, or tell them that maybe they don't want to be married to them or tell them that they hate them. Tom honestly has been one of my biggest blessings ever! He really only has a couple of regrets over the last year, and one of them is that he rolled his eyes. I don't remember the situation at all, but in my thankful journal for one of the days that is my one negative thing. I really can't complain about the rolling of eyes. :o)

2. I am thankful that my sister Brittany flew out to spend a week with me shortly after my stay in the JU. Brittany is the sister that is seven years younger. We are close. People ask me how we became so close, and I tell them it must be because we shared a room together for seven years. But honestly I don't think that is the reason. We don't have deep conversations, and we don't talk on the phone much, but we do hand-write letters. We have a connection that I can't explain. Brittany was my angel the last time I struggled with depression. She supports me without asking for anything in return. Many times you will find us in the same room doing our own thing. I know that she will love me no matter what. Now the fact that she flew out to see me is BIG to me. She spent most Summers at home and never really wanted to come down to Eugene. I always went up to see her. So the fact that she spent a week with me in my home means a lot to me.

3. I am thankful that my sister Christina let me borrow her bike for a year. It works much better than my old one. It is true that I haven't biked much at all lately, but I have put over 700 miles on it. It sits on my deck, and I see it everyday. It looks a little different now because of all the bike stuff I've added to it, but it is a reminder of how much I truly do love to bike and that one day I will be biking again. It really helped me to cope with the Summer months.

4. I am thankful that Heavenly Father has blessed us financially and I don't mean with money. This year has brought some big expenditures. Unplanned ones for sure. Tom and I have always tried to build our savings which sometimes is difficult because when we hit a certain amount we end up needing it to repair the car. But those stresses do not occur until we have the money for it. Our car broke down twice this year. Both times seemed to happen at the most inopportune times. The second time it broke down it really seemed that all odds were against us. Tom's mom was flying into Portland in just a couple of hours. But luckily for us the car broke down just as Tom reached the Battle Ground exit (he was heading to my parent's house where I had been staying). Luckily for us Tom had the cell phone (we only have one). Luckily for us my mom had left the day before for Arizona. That meant that we could borrow the car for a week. My dad would just have to drive his truck around (it is manual and my mom can only drive automatic). And the fact that our car went to car heaven when Tom's mom came out was the biggest blessing of all. Because she helped us look for a new car or think of ways we could maybe ship out one of theirs. Tom's stress levels were already high and I don't want to even begin to imagine what they would have been like if his mom wasn't here giving her support and love. And also that he was able to talk to his dad who gave his support and love. We did not have money for a car. Our savings was already beginning to disappear because of medical expenses. Tom's parents bought us the car (we are going to pay them back).

5. I am thankful for how my in-laws have lived their lives in such a way that they would have money to help us out. Of course we hated asking for it, but as Tom and I struggle to make every little cent count. Now that our savings are completely gone it brings peace to know that they are there to support us. And not only with money. Tom's mom visited us twice this year. Her second trip was an answer to my prayer. Tom was struggling with being able to focus on his research and the school was starting to push a little. Tom and my therapist thought I should live with my parents for a month. I did not like that idea at all. I hadn't packed for such a long stay and that would also mean that I wouldn't be able to see my therapist or psych nurse. I would have to take a big pause in my healing process. And believe me a month feels more like a year. My going back to Eugene wouldn't solve any of the issues Tom was facing. I prayed mightly that there would be a third option and Heavenly Father answered my prayers. My mother-in-law came to stay with us for three weeks! She sacrificed time spent with her husband, bird, family and her first grandson that she loves so much. She was easy going, didn't push me, was encouraging, happy, and content to do her own thing when I needed space. She drove me to all my appointments. She made dinner every night. Just having her physically there was a huge blessing to me.

Now I probably could go on and on, and when I find the energy I will try to think of more things and write them down in my journal. I think the reason I have been so stubborn is because I feel that finding the good during the hardest time of my life means that it really isn't that hard. But I need to change my perspective. Being thankful does not change our circumstances or make our trials disappear or become light as a feather. But being thankful does help us to remember how much Heavenly Father loves us and how He is there with guiding hands during the hard times. It may help us to change our attitude. It reminds us that there is good in this life on earth. It may be what helps us face a new day. It may bring us a little peace. A little respite from dealing with all the heavy things that mortality can bring us.

"When upon life's billows you are tempest tossed,

When you are discouraged thinking all is lost,

Count your many blessings; name them one by one,

And it will surprise you what the Lord has done.

 

So amid the conflict, whether great or small,

Do not be discouraged; God is over all.

Count your many blessings; angels will attend,

Help and comfort give you to your journey's end."

 

-Johnson Oatman, Jr.

Family Fun

Last year my sister Christina and her son Sawyer came out for the full month of June while my brother-in-law Nate studied for two important tests (he is in medical school). Christina and Sawyer started their trip here in Eugene and spent a week with me and Tom. It was fun to have them here and show them around even though Sawyer was sick and then Christina caught the bug. They then spent the rest of the month at my parent's in Washington. Tom and I spent his summer break there so that we could see them again.

In December Christina let me know that she was planning on making the same trip again this year in June. Nate had three huge tests to study for this year. Once it became apparent that I was in it for the long haul with the anxiety and depression, Christina and Sawyer went straight to Washington for the month of June.

My youngest sister Brittany, who lives in Utah, made it to Washington for a week to spend with my parents, Christina and Sawyer. She just loves Sawyer! My family let me know a number of times that I was invited to come up that week. It happened to be the same week that the kids were moving, so I didn't make a commitment. I didn't know how I would be doing emotionally at that time either, so I was wary of getting their hopes up. I was also worried about making the drive up since I tire so easily.

The day after we said our final goodbyes to the kids came the moment of decision. I think that my family at that point had given up the hope of seeing me. It was Wednesday and I either had to drive up that day or I wouldn't go at all. I started to pack my things to see how it felt. Tom left for school not knowing whether I would be going or not. I knew that my family would be understanding if I didn't make it, but that they would also be sad. I felt a burst of strength and packed the car and headed out. I didn't let my family know that I was coming.

When I am driving by myself I like to blast the music. Not just to hear it but to feel it. My parents live on a gravel road and are the last house on the road. I came swinging around, and the place that I usually park was taken by Brittany's car, so I hurriedly had to make the decision to drive on the grass around her car and park. My family was confused at first who was coming up the road because they are still not used to the new car. Brittany recognized the song that I had playing, so I think she was the first one to realize that it was me. They of course came running up, and I got a lot of hugs.

My trip home was a good one. It was good to see Sawyer since I never know when I will get to see him next. Well that also goes for Brittany and Christina. Brittany and I shared a room which I loved since we grew up sharing a room. I made the trip home mostly for my family rather than for myself. I had recently become more silent, and it had been some time since my parents had seen me. I provided the proof that I was still alive and still kicking. :o)

We spent time with Kari and her mom watching "Lark Rise to Candleford". Christina hadn't seen it, and I had forgotten how fun it is to watch movies with her. She flipped at one point and ran out of the room. She then calmed down and we had to rewatch that part. :o) It brought back many memories of Christina's reactions to movies.

We took a trip to the zoo on Friday and had a lot of fun watching Sawyer's reactions. He thought the giraffe was a cow (probably because of the spots). Loved the turtles! I guess that is one of his favorite words to say. Many times he would just sit in his stroller and stare at the animal. Brittany and I made the most of our opportunity to get snow cones, and she shared hers with Sawyer. He loved it and kept wanting more. Most of the animals were active, so that was fun. By the end of the trip I think we were all ready for a nap. Sawyer fell asleep on the drive home. He was such a good sport. One thing that made us smile is that he kept grabbing at leaves. He lives in Arizona, so he isn't used to so much green vegetation.

Another highlight of my trip was an evening spent with family friends that we have known for years. Ken and Marlene are so much fun. We love playing Mexican Trains with them. They have an awesome set because it actually comes with a train station with little trains to use as markers. If someone is taking too long there is a button in the middle that you can push that makes a sound. Over the years there were the Ririe rules and then the Paine's rules. The Paine's rules were more challenging. Well their rules have evolved, so now it is more of a combo between the two. It is a game my dad will actually play. Brittany came out ahead and won the game. She rocked it!

Brittany drove back to Utah the day I returned to Eugene. She left much earlier than I did, and I was half asleep when she said her goodbye. When I left, I left my mom, my dad and Christina in tears. It is very unusual to see my dad cry. Did I cry? No. That is unusual for me. If I see someone crying and I'm feeling emotional I usually can't hold back the tears. It may seem heartless that I didn't shed any tears, but I guess I have gotten used to stuffing them way deep inside. I sometimes go into therapy telling my therapist that it is her lucky day because she is going to see me cry. I may tear up a bit, but even in circumstances where my heart is breaking I do my best to stuff it down. I'm not really sure why. The waterworks only turn on if it is just Tom and myself. I will get teary-eyed and maybe have a few tears run down my cheecks, but the heartbreaking sobs only escape in front of Tom.

I love my family. They have been a huge support to me through this trying time. My mom has sacrificed weeks to keep an eye on me, and my dad has sacrificed time without her. They have also welcomed me home even though I was not myself. My dad even stayed home from church one Sunday so that I wasn't left alone for long. My siblings have sent me encouraging texts, letters and phone messages, and I know that they have kept me in their prayers. Family has always been important to me, and that is a big part of why I picked the major I did: Marriage, Family and Human Development. And no, this is not the 'mommy' or 'Mrs.' degree. I can get quite defensive about that. :o) Now sure it has blessed my life in many ways. I'm sure I'm a better wife because of it. But it is the stepping stone to go on and eventually get a masters degree in Marriage, Family Therapy. But because of the classes I took I came to understand my own family dynamics better and my place in my family. My family is far from perfect, but we love each other. And I believe we are each trying in our own ways to become closer as we have become adults and are seperated by miles. I am thankful that Heavenly Father sent me to the family he did.

My Sister, My Friend

When my family moved from California to Washington I had to make a tough decision. Did I want my own room that was tiny or to share the big room with the wonderful bay window? I hadn't had my own room for very long and I wasn't sure if I wanted to give that up, but I also fell in love with the big room with the high ceiling and huge bay window.

Little did I know then what an important decision that was. I opted for sharing the big room with my youngest sister Brittany. We are seven years apart in age. I don't remember ever regretting my decision. Over the seven years that we shared a room we forged a bond that I believe can withstand anything. Even my getting married. ;)

Brittany is my sister, my friend, my confidant, my music guru, my angel, my reading buddy, my hero, and my shinning star. I honestly can't imagine life without her. I can think of countless experiences where she was there for me like no one else could be.

I went through three hard years in a row. By the end of those three years I was worn out and ready to give up. Literally. I remember laying in bed next to her (the big room was her own room now and I was home from college for a short time) wishing that God would send me an angel to help me find the desire to move forward in life. All of a sudden it hit me that He had already sent me the perfect angel and she was right next to me.

Happy Birthday Brittany!

Love you more than a million stars in the sky!