Courage

In the dictionary, courage is defined as the ability to conquer fear or despair. I know many of you thought I displayed courage by sharing my feelings in my last blog post, but honestly that was not hard. (It was harder to find the words to express myself). I have never ever considered myself to be a courageous person. I fear many things. I have a fear of heights. I have a fear of failure. I have a fear of big unfamiliar spiders. I fear not making the right (perfect) choices. I have a HUGE fear of giving talks in church. I fear scary movies. I fear having terrifying nightmares. I even fear going on Splash Mountain. I could go on and on with my list as I'm sure many of you could as well.

In many ways I have let fear rule my life. There are many choices that I let pass by because I let fear get in the way. I have many regrets. Has that stopped me from letting fear take charge many times? No. I'm sure there are many of you that can relate. Many times fear leads to anxiety for me, and that is difficult. I live with a low level of anxiety most of the time. I have learned to cope with it over the years. The problem is when the anxiety spikes to a higher level.

A very dear friend of mine told me closer to the beginning of my most recent battle with depression that my only job was to breathe. At the time that was the most profound statement anyone had said to me. She gave me the permission to just focus on breathing. How simple is that? Especially when the anxiety would increase. There have been many times over almost the last four months that I have just curled up into a ball and focused on just breathing. Many times I felt pathetic that that was all I could focus on.

This same friend sent me the book "Courage" written by Bernard Waber as a Valentine's Day gift. What meant the most to me is that my friend had included a post-it note inside that says "Courage is choosing to breathe!!" I was hit again by the simiplicity of this statement, and it touched my heart once again in a profound way. Courage is choosing to breathe. It sounds so simple but honestly there have been two times over the past months that I have let go of that courage to breath.

Another kindred spirit, to whom I will forever be in debt, helped me find the courage within along with Heavenly Father's help to seek the help that I really needed. I am still surprised that somewhere inside I was able to find the courage to go to the ER with my kindred spirit and admit myself. For the past 10 days I have spent my time in the Johnson Unit which is a psychiatric unit. I was just released  yesterday.

Am I healed? Has my journey come to an end? Of course not. In some ways it is just beginning. In President Monson's First Presidency Message in the January Ensign 2012 titiled "Living the Abundant Life" he says,

"There will be times when you will be frightened and discouraged. You may feel that you are defeated. The odds of obtaining victory may appear overwhelming. At times you may feel liked David trying to fight Goliath. But remember- David did win!"

Since coming home from the Johnson Unit I have found that courage is something that I still need to strive towards. In some ways even more than before. Courage is putting one foot in front of the other knowing your friends and Heavenly Father are right there behind you and even sometimes right beside you. Remember sometimes "Courage is choosing to breath."