One Little Word 2013: Hope

 

As some of you know hope has been my focus for this year. It seemed appropriate as one of the most difficult years of my life was coming to a close. I quickly learned how faith, hope and charity are tightly intertwined. Many times we focus on faith and charity and seem to leave out hope. I first blogged about my love for the word hope here.

I am once again taking a class online where at the beginning of each month we are given a prompt to make our word (focus) more visible in our lives throughout the year. I blogged about my one little word for last year here.

Even though hope is one of my most favorite words, I have come to realize the depth that this one small word holds, and how much I had to learn about the power that it holds.

We were given the prompt to make 12 intentions using our word for this year. I really struggled and wasn't even sure what was realistic to hope for. Not until I worked on a hope collage that was the prompt for February using magazines I already had, some from my sister and some even pulled out of the recycling, did this word, hope, begin to take root in my heart. For I knew with a surety that this year would be a year of change, and with the limited strength I had I needed something to hold onto, and that was hope.



Being surrounded by darkness I found out how difficult it can be to hold onto hope and not let fear take over. Having the faith that if what you hope for doesn't turn out the way you expected that it is not the end. Heavenly Father has something else in mind, so you see where you are at and refocus and put your trust in God. Much easier said than done.

My 12 hopes for this year are broad in nature because under each one I have some specific hopes of a personal nature and some involvinvg those around me.

1. Discovering Hope
2. Cultivating Hope
3. Hope in God's Timing
4. Hope in Moving Forward
5. Hope in Strengthening Relationships
6. Hope in Sharing My Story
7. Hope in Healing
8. Hope in Embracing Charity
9. Hope in Forgiveness
10. Hope in my Redeemer
11. Hope for an Open Heart
12. Hope to Walk in the Light

It is now October, and the year is coming to an end. I think back to two years ago when the signs of depression started to emerge but when I was blind to them. Little did I know what was in store for me. I think back to a year ago when I believed my journey with depression and anxiety was coming to an end. I believed that November and December were to be months to grieve the many loses I had experienced and to find healing of my soul. Little did I know then that my health was beginning to fail. That choices I had made earlier in the year and issues that had traveled with me for many years were surfacing, and it would be a long journey. One that continues on today.

Today I think about this year and the many hopes that have seemed to be unfulfilled. How much could really happen in a little more than two months? Is this truly my year of hope?

Earlier this year before we moved but knew we would be, I was prompted to write down nine sayings that others tell me, I tell myself and I added what Heavenly Father tells me.

1. This is a year of hope.
2. Forgive yourself.
3. Hope for new doors to open.
4. You will end up where you are needed and where your needs will be met.
5. Don't give up on hope.
6. Hope can light the way.
7. I have a purpose and a path.
8. "Hope On. Journey On." -Elder Holland
9. Heavenly Father loves ME

I have learned this year that holding onto hopes isn't as easy as it seems. Many times I have wanted to give up hope on situations or certain people. Hope many times seemed to = pain for me. And those are times where my faith was failing. For hope is to cherish a desire with anticipation, to expect with confidence, to trust, and a desire accompanied by expectation of or a belief in fulfillment or success.

This year thus far has turned out nothing like I had imagined. But I was looking at it with my own mortal eyes and not those of my loving Heavenly Father.

"When you feel that there is only a thin thread of hope, it is really not a thread but a massive connecting link, like a life preserver to strengthen and lift you. It will provide comfort so you can cease to fear, strive to live worthily and place your trust in the Lord."

-Elder Richard G. Scott

 

And so I continue to hope and not give up. I do small actions of faith to help me carry onward with the expectation that my hopes will be fulfilled in the Lord's time. Simple things like buying a special box that will one day hold letters that I will always cherish, framing a photo of a loved one, following a prompting even when I don't have the desire to do it, etc.

 

"...but behold I say unto you, that by small and simple things are great things brought to pass..."

-Alma 37:6





"Fresh Courage Take"

"Life's journey is not traveled on a freeway devoid of obstacles, pitfalls, and snares. Rather, it is a pathway marked by forks and turnings. Decisions are constantly before us. To make them wisely, courage is needed: the courage to say "No," the courage to say "Yes." Decisions do determine our destiny.

 

The call for courage comes constantly to each of us. It has ever been so, and so it shall be."

-Thomas S. Monson

 

The minute Tom read me the email that BYU was wondering if he was still available to be a visiting professor I knew he would get an offer. I knew it even though in the very beginning he was in second place for the position. Moving to Utah was not in my plan or my hope, and so I held on that he would find a job in Eugene. It is was what both of us wanted more than anything.

 

Tom noticed online that there was a job opening at BYU for a full-time math professor. Back in the day it had been Tom's dream to teach at BYU. To follow in his father's footsteps, but the thought of working with those who taught him daunted him, and he decided that isn't what he wanted after all. Plus while going to school and teaching at the University of Oregon he discovered that his heart was in teaching. Not in research. For those of you that don't know to teach at a research university in math you need a post-doctorate. It is kind of like a residency. A couple of years to give you more experience and to really focus on research with the hopes that you will get a few papers published. BYU requires a post doctorate which Tom does not have. So when Tom told me he applied for the job I just shrugged my shoulders. We both knew there was no chance that they would even consider him for the position. Little did I know what Heavenly Father had in store for us.

 

Heavenly Father made it crystal clear where our lives needed to head next. Just as he did when it came time for us to leave Provo and head to Eugene where Tom would work on getting his Ph.D. I believed that the University of Oregon was more like a pit stop along our path to where we were ultimately headed. I had come to accept that we would be returning to Utah where we would most likely live for the majority of our lives. The price I would pay for marrying someone from Provo. But throughout the six years that we lived in Eugene (we didn't realize the program was six years) we both came to love it and it became home for the both of us.

 

I sometimes wake up and wonder how did I get here. Especially considering my physical health, mental health and emotional health. I can't believe that Heavenly Father would ask me to leave my psych nurse, therapist and nurse practitioner. Sure I can find all three here in Utah, but two of them I met with for nearly two years. But Heavenly Father gave the call and somehow I drudged up the courage to say "Yes." I know without a shadow of doubt that Tom and I are supposed to be here in Utah, in this exact apartment and in our exact ward. Just like I knew when we moved to Eugene.

 

But for me, saying "Yes" was the easy part. The actual packing up and driving out here seemed unreal. It really felt like we were just going on vacation for a week as we stayed at Tom's parent's house until we could move into our townhouse. We have been truly blessed by family and friends who helped us get here at every stage of our move.

 

We have almost been in our townhouse for a month. Much time has been spent on figuring out where to put furniture, buying some "new" furniture, unpacking, rearranging and even more shopping. More than enough to keep us busy but overall it has been a very difficult month for me. Tom has often heard me say, "I want to go home." He always asks in return, "Eugene or Heaven?" The answer varies depending on how I'm doing emotionally.

 

It is hard because there are so many people we want to reconnect with here. We have family from all four sides, Tom's full immediate family, my sister and brother, and countless friends. But I am physically spent and feel like hibernating. There is still so much to do to make our townhouse feel like home. I even have on the wall "Love the heart of this home." Every time I pass it on the stairs I think to myself, "That is a lie." I feel that all the faith that I have built up over the past two years is leaking through a sieve.

 

"Brothers and sisters, this is a divine work in process, with further manifestations and blessings of it abounding in every direction, so please don't hyperventilate if from time to time issues arise that need to be examined, understood, and resolved. They do and they will. In this Church, what we know will always trump what we do not know. And remember, in this world, everyone is to walk by faith."

-Elder Jeffery R. Holland

 

I do know that we are where we are supposed to be. What is supposed to happen over the next two years as we are traveling this new path I do not know. This quote reminds me that I need to focus on what I do know and continue to have faith in Heavenly Father's plan for us here in Utah. And there are days where I am back to where courage is choosing to breathe. And I'm sure I will experience many more days like that. Many times these words come to mind as I struggle through the everyday.

 

"In that imaginary instant, I couldn't help calling out to him: "Don't you quit. You keep walking. You keep trying. There is help and happiness ahead." Some blessings come soon, some come late, and some don't come until heaven. But for those who embrace the gospel of Jesus Christ, they come. It will be all right in the end. Trust God and believe in good things to come."

-Elder Jeffery R. Holland

 

And so I continue to trudge onward. Organizing, unpacking, painting and doing a little decorating with the knowledge that in time this will feel like home. "If we now shun the fight? Gird up your loins; fresh courage take. Our God will never us forsake. And soon we'll have this tale to tell. All is well! All is well!"



Project Life 2013: Week 1

It is hard for me to believe that we are in week 21 of this year. In so many ways the time has dragged by slowly, and in others it has quickly passed by. I am behind on Project Life (no surprise there), but I actually do have more than just one week completed. :o)

Some people start their weeks with Monday through Sunday. Sunday has always been the beginning of the week for me, so that is where each week starts. Now the first of this year was on a Wednesday. When I take the photo a day approach, I will put that picture in that day's slot. That meant that this year I had some extra spaces to fill at the beginning of the layout. It varies year from year what I fill it with. I usually don't worry about it until the end of the year, but this year I decided to tackle it first.

The top left card is a card that was designed to be used for the title page. I trimmed it because I wasn't a fan of the clock motif in the right bottom corner. I wanted to use the card though because it says "Living Life One Day at a Time." And that is exactly what I am doing with the help of loved ones.

The orange card is one of Becky Higgins's freebies that can be found on her blog. It is her reason for creating Project Life products and very much influences the way she lives her life. "Part of Cultivating a Good Life is Celebrating the Little Things." And that pretty much sums up what Project Life is all about. By capturing the everyday moments I come to realize how important they are and how much they influence the big things in life.

I am a lover of quotes, so don't be surprised to find them spread throughout my album. :o) I have been known to buy scrapbook paper and then want to create a memory so that I can use my new favorite product. Yes, that is a little backwards. Ha! I sometimes can get caught up in trying to get the best photo that I forget to really experience the moment. I have felt plenty of guilt for forgetting to snap a photo because I got too caught up in the moment. That is O.K. It means that I was living in the moment instead of worrying about capturing it on my camera.  I've learned that my favorite photos I have taken are ones that are candid and unplanned.

January 1st my parents, Tom and Chris paid a visit to the Ridgefield Wildlife Refuge. I picked three photos from the experience and had Tom do the journaling since I wasn't there. Two of the photos were taken by Chris I believe and one by my dad. (He loves capturing shots of birds.)

January 2nd Chris drove my mom and I around Vancouver. I was on the hunt for the perfect pair of jeans for Chris (part of his Christmas present). Chris learned quickly earlier last year that taking photos is important to me. If he is out and about with us he usually takes on the role of photographer. It is such a HUGE blessing because he gets shots that I never would. And yes I actually end up in some of the photos. :o)

January 3rd was quite a full day. Chris helped my mom put away some Christmas decorations, and a song came on that she loves, and she started to dance. My mom is known for her zest for life, and she had Chris join her, and he actually did! He was shocked that she actually knew how to dance (her father taught her). Chris also got his first experience chopping wood with my dad. I think Chris experienced many "firsts" with my family, and he was a great sport about it all. We also headed back to Eugene.

January 4th I made a trip to Kohl's. My youngest sister asked if I had gotten the new Dr. Seuss animals. I wasn't aware that they were the choice for Kohl's Cares for Kids at that time. They had different animals around black Friday. I was disappointed to find out that they were out of Horton. We have been wanting to add him to our ever growing collection. But I did bring home these two. The alligator is in Dr. Seuss's "ABC" book and the yellow one is in his "Sleep Book" (this story has the ability to make me tired and ready for bed). Tom was excited for both. For the journaling I had Tom write his top 10 reasons for loving Dr. Seuss. You will also note a tab that says, "Remember this*." It pulls out to share something kind Chris did for us that I felt was important to document and remember but that didn't have a photo to illustrate it.

January 5th Tom made a trip to WinCo to stock up on groceries since we had been out of town and were running out of food. I found it funny that WinCo still had their Christmas paper bags for bagging groceries. I included the receipt and circled the total cost.

I had fun putting together the insert for week one. My brother-in-law got me to try "Draw Something," and before I knew it many of us were drawing pictures back and forth to each other. I like my inserts to be smaller than 12x12 so that they are sandwiched between the weekly layout. This page protector is Design F that I trimmed down. All the photos are screenshots that I took with my smart phone. I cropped them to 3x4 in Photoshop Elements.

The other side of the insert showing more of the drawings that were sent my way. I thought about putting what word was being drawn but thought it would be fun to look back and see if I could still guess them. :o) I just have to say my brother-in-law is amazing! I don't know how he draws such detailed photos and his screen is smaller than mine! I attribute it to the fact that he just finished up medical school. Ha!

A close up of the top of the backside of the insert. I cut the card out on my cameo. I took a screenshot of the kind of options you are given of what to draw and cut it out. I wanted to show a little more detail on how "Draw Something" works. The harder the word the more coins you earn. If you collect enough coins you then can buy a new set of colors to draw with. It is nice having a game where I don't feel stupid. ;o)

Project Life 2013: Title Page

I know that I've shared a photo of my title page on Facebook via Instagram, but I thought I would share some close-up shots and why I chose to set it up the way that I did. It may seem simple, but the title page is actually usually the last part completed of the year being documented.

I based some of my cards off of other people's title pages that I found on Pinterest. I love scraplifting (using someone's ideas as a starting point) and making them work for me. With each Project Life kit comes cards to use for the title page. Not a single one made it onto the spread this year. That isn't normal for me but what I wanted to include just didn't allow room.

Somewhere on the title page you will always find the year being documented. The TWENTY 13 was cut on my cameo (die-cutting machine). I bought the shape in the Silhouette Store. The card that is backing it may have been one of the cards that was supposed to be used on the title page or back page. I added the hello epoxy sticker for a little embellishment. What can I say? I love adding dimension. :)

The C.S. Lewis quote was a freebie give by Elise Blaha Cripe. She actually designed one of the editions that came out early this year called Seafoam. This quote really sums up my hopes for this year. I am hoping that 2013 is very much different than 2012. It is just as difficult so far, for some of the same reasons and for some different ones. When my mom read the quote she mentioned how in the next life we will find better things. No. I'm talking about THIS year. That I left 2012 behind and that this year holds better things than I left behind.

The upper right card was very much inspired by someone else. The column of days was cut on my cameo. The black square is where I am planning on putting a photo. I'm thinking of a feet shot. I'm not sure why, but I have been in love with those shots for a couple of years. Maybe because it is a different way to show who is present. (Or it could be the fact that there is nothing I can complain about the way I look).  :)

The "At the Start" cards are actually from the Seafoam edition. I saw how someone used it, and I decided that I wanted a place where I could include where each of us are at the beginning of this year. I own the card digitally and pulled it into Photoshop Elements to change the colors so that they match with the other cards. There is a card for Tom, Chris and me. As I have mentioned before on Facebook via Instagram (I'm seeing a pattern here), this year Tom and I are including a third person's point of view. Chris has really become like family, so I asked him at the beginning of the year (or the end of last) if he wanted to take part, and he gladly accepted. I had each of us fill out a questionnaire, and that is what you will find on each of the cards though I added the cuddling question for fun. :) I also included a wood veneer on each card. In the scrapbooking world you will find those little people referred to as "Potty People" or "Restroom People" since they are the silhouette of what you will find on public bathrooms to indicate which bathroom is for the girls and which one is for the boys. Here are the cards close up:
 

 

With my card you will notice that I've edited out some information. From time to time you may see me do that since my life is very much influenced by others, and I want to respect those boundaries.

At the end of this year I hope to have us fill out similar questions and see how much has changed from January to December. This year will most definitely bring more changes.

The other card inbetween these will hold another photo. I'm thinking of a shadow shot with the three of us. Another go to photo shot for me. :)

The bottom left card will hold a headshot photo of us or something similar. I like including pictures taken actually during the year to include on the title page. I don't even think I have a photo of the three of us. The three flags say memories, hope & together. I chose to include the word hope because it is my One Little Word for this year.

The bottom right card is a saying cut with my cameo that I bought in the Silhouette store. It is something that I need to be reminded of often. I can get caught up in the doom and gloom and forget that there really are those out there that love me and are keeping me in their prayers. And ultimately I am loved by my Heavenly Father and His Son, Jesus Christ.

Project Life

I have mentioned Project Life before via Instagram and Facebook, but I know most of you that read my blog are not scrapbookers, or you once were but just don't have the time anymore.

At the end of 2008, Creating Keepsakes was selling a scrapbook kit titled "Project 365" designed by Becky Higgins. I didn't know a whole lot about it except for what the magazine had to say about it. My first reaction was that there was no way I could take a photo every single day for 2009. Sounded crazy to me! But as the thought mingled in my brain and I saw photos of the kit I began to have a change of heart. I wasn't actually doing much scrapbooking for myself and "Project 365" was designed in an easy way to capture the everyday moments, moments that usually didn't end up on a "traditional" scrapbook page.

The morning it went on sale I was at my parent's computer ready to purchase. The site was overloaded with people trying to buy the kit. I don't know how many times I would almost get to submit payment just to have to start all over again. I was exhausted (I think it may have been New Year's Eve the evening before) and tempted to go back to bed and try later in the day. But something caused me to keep trying and somehow I was able to grab two kits, one for my mom and one for me. Turns out that the kits sold out in record time and there were many unhappy with Creating Keepsakes for not being prepared. I don't think they realized how popular this idea was going to be. I felt so blessed that I listened to the prompting and didn't go back to bed.

Becky Higgins then quit working for Creating Keepsakes and started her own company. Everyone was on pins and needles wondering if she was going to come out with a new kit. People wanted to keep documenting their lives using her system. She did indeed come out with a kit titled "Project Life" (it is now referred to as the Cherry Edition). This time she made the kit so that you could do a photo a day, capture a week at a glance or a month or even do it just by events in your life. It was more versatile. I believe the first batch sold out, and she had to order a second one.

Since then the concept & products of Project Life have grown by leaps and bounds. Becky Higgins has partnered up with American Crafts (huge scrapbooking manufacturing company) so that Project Life will be available for retailers to sell (starting next month). Project Life just recently made its TV debut on HSN, where two editions were available to buy at a special price, and they went like hotcakes. Other scrapbooking companies are now following the trend and are providing cards/page protectors/cardstock, etc. that you can either mix with Project Life products or use on your own.

The concept is genius and is one that anyone at any age can do. I am in my fifth year of doing Project Life. 2009, 2010 and 2011 I took the photo a day approach. Last year is still in the works, but I am taking the weekly approach. I knew I wouldn't be picking my camera up as often as I struggled with depression and anxiety. 2012 also includes inserts of memorabilia and extra photos. It looks like it will take up four scrapbook albums while the first three years only took up one each. This year I am back to doing a photo a day with the idea that it would leave me time to work on 2012. Well I loved including inserts so much that I'm doing that again this year and getting a little more creative with the spreads. I'm not scrapbooking "traditionally" yet, so this gives me the perfect creative outlet.

There is a cute short video on Becky Higgins's blog that visually shows what Project Life is all about. If you are at all curious, I definitely recommend watching it. You can find it here.

Project Life has many editions (seven new ones coming out in May) and is also available digitally and on Shutterfly. I am hooked and can't imagine documenting my life without it. I wish that it existed back when I first got married so that I could have the past seven years documented this way.

Project Life Editions I have used:

2009: Project 365 (no longer available)
2010: The Cherry Edition
2011: The Amber Edition
2012: The Cobalt Edition
2013: The Clementine Edition

P.S. I also own Baby for Her Edition (to document my baby years), The Olive Edition (hopefully to document about my grandparents), The Wellington Childhood Mini Kit (document missionary experience), The Bridgeport Childhood Mini Kit (to document our time with Bryce), The Mayfield Childhood Mini Kit (to document our time with Josalyn), The Blush Edition (just because it is my second favorite of the new ones that will be available and I couldn't pass up the good price on HSN), various page protectors, 12x12 envelopes, 6x12 envelopes, 9 Mini Albums, grid cards, patterned paper, cardstock, etc. As you can see I have a weakness for all things Project Life. I'm planning on owning all the editions I don't buy in physical format digitally (ummm...have already purchased a lot). Next on my list...The Honey Edition!

P.S.S. I am hoping to share Project Life 2013 pages here on my blog. I thought before I do I would share a little more information so that you know exactly what it is I'm sharing. :o)

My Reason

Many of you know that I am a fan of Josh Groban. I have been since I first heard him sing. I thought he must be in his late 30's or early 40's with such a voice. Little did I know that he is my age. :o) Josh has recently come out with a new album. I have only listened to two of the songs, and I own the single "Brave." As I started to listen to it more closely and looked up the lyrics, I became puzzled. It made me also reflect on my own life because so many of the lyrics relate to my life and how I have felt for over a year now. I love the chorus but it is the last two lines that has caused me to reflect on my experiences over the past year and what I'm experiencing now.

"You wanna run away, run away and you say that it can’t be so.
You wanna look away, look away but you stay cause’ it’s all so close.
When you stand uṗ and hold out your hand.
In the face of what I don’t understand.
My reason to be brave."
 

There have been so many instances when I have wanted to run away, whether that meant jumping into the car and driving off, leaving the apartment with Tom chasing me down and following me, (making sure I stay away from the river), or having moments where I wanted to physically end my anguish. I thought moments like these were behind me, but once again, as I have been struggling with my physical health, which also makes the emotional & mental more difficult, I have wanted to run. And nothing has scared me as much as an unpremeditated episode that took place the beginning of January. My therapist asked me, "What stopped you?" when yet another attempt was made later. What is my reason?

 

I wish I could look away; sometimes I can compartmentalize my actions so that I'm not haunted by memories. My psych nurse even has a hard time imagining what I've had to tell her at times. She looks at me and just can't simply see it. But there are moments where it does hit me strong, and I can't look away.

 

Recently a close friend was in a car accident. He was on his bike and was hit in a cross walk. At first I thought, 'a cross walk of all places!' He has biked both coasts more than once. He is an avid biker and has had moments where he has had to jump off a road with his bike for his safety. He wants to bike cross country once he retires. When I heard the news, (and not much was known then), my heart stood still. It was like time stood still, and I pleaded with God that he wasn't dead or dying. He is like an uncle to me. He has been there for me in all the big events of my life. He even created a nickname for me that now all his family members call me. My friend, (his daughter), and I rode down to southern California to pick him up from one of his biking trips, and we spent three days at Disneyland. I went on a small roller coaster with just him. It was one that he would never had gone on had his sister not encouraged him. She has since passed away. It was a moment for me to share that experience with him. I love him dearly, and life wouldn't be the same without him. Thank goodness for miracles! He is alive and I'm told improving a little each day.

 

But it caused me to reflect on the gift of life. Tom found me next to the couch crying my heart out. I felt that I had been so selfish. In my weakest moments I don't care how my actions will impact my loved ones. Thinking about how life would be so different for myself and especially for my friend's family made my heart heavy. I couldn't look away. And once again I contemplated what is my reason for being brave? For stopping before it is too late?
 

For almost over a year I wouldn't have been able to give you an answer. In those short moments what caused me to turn away? I am physically, emotionally, and mentally weak. It is hard for me to mentally take in much. Poor Tom. So many times I've cut him off mid sentence telling him I can't take any more. My brain just can't process it. Emotionally I'm still struggling with depression and anxiety. I never imagined in a million years that I would still be struggling this long. My physical weakness has a lot to do with why I'm still struggling. I'm getting stronger, but there are days that taking a shower drains me of all energy for the entire day. I have to take at least one nap a day. I don't sleep through the night very well, and I often wake up at 4:30am and am not able to fall back to sleep. Overall I'm one weak individual. So what keeps me moving forward? What is my reason for being brave?

 

Many of you know and share my religious beliefs. Some of you may not. I believe that we existed before we came to earth. That we are literally spirit sons and daughters of our Heavenly Father and Heavenly Mother. Our spirits are sent to earth to gain a body, learn, grow, experience the good and the bad and ultimately become more like our Heavenly Parents. A soul is the combination of body and spirit. My body is weak, but I have been impressed upon that my spirit is strong. Stronger than I realize.

 

My reason for being brave? I wish I could say that at the last minute I think of loved ones or how I still have a full life to live, but I do not. I don't completely understand it all, but I believe it is because my spirit is strong. It causes me to turn around at the last minute, move forward, hang on for one more day...I strongly believe it is a HUGE reason why I'm still here. It is my reason for being brave.

 

Watch the Music Video Here

Adrenal Fatigue: Part 1

 

I'm not exactly sure when I started to notice a decrease in my energy levels. As many of you know I became an avid biker over this last summer. I usually spent two hours biking a day, which was anywhere from 18 to 24 miles each day. I often went with a friend. It was like my body craved it, and my bike called my name each day. I sometimes would go out two times a day. It was also a great way for me to cope with my anxiety and help me get to sleep since I still struggled with getting a full night's worth of sleep.

At some point biking became a chore. I would often get dressed and ready and find myself sitting on the floor staring at my bike for hours. Sometimes I would force myself to eventually get outside and bike hard, while other times I just couldn't find enough motivation. Eventually I had to pick between bike riding and accomplishing something else during the day. I couldn't do both. The days I picked something else I felt guilty. The choice was then taken from me and I was lucky if I got much of anything done during the day. The days that I got on my bike became history. I haven't biked in months.

The beginning of October I know for sure that I started to notice other changes in my body because I asked my friend what happened to her when she ate wheat (she had celiacs). My symptoms didn't match up. I didn't know what was wrong but took peanuts out of my diet since that is a very common sensitivity or allergy to develop. I think I may have noticed a small difference.

Towards the end of October my energy levels started to decrease even more. Tom was getting stressed out with his research, so I went to spend almost the entire month of November with my parents. I took up plenty of things to work on. Tom warned my parents that I would probably hibernate in my room quite often. This visit home I chose a different room to stay in than "my" old room since I associated it with negative memories from earlier in the year.

My stay at home in November was mostly positive. All of a sudden I had a huge desire to make cards. It was my first time wanting to do one of my old hobbies. I got my friend to drive me to my favorite craft store in Vancouver (Craft Warehouse), and I went a little crazy. My last visit to that store I had left empty handed. I'm not sure that had ever happened before. Since I usually woke up really early I would head downstairs and work on cards. But as Thanksgiving drew closer I just started to make card kits to put together later. I felt that I finally was finding something that helped to bring happiness into my life. Well, those kits never even got put together.

The day of Thanksgiving I found myself feeling sick just at the smell of meat cooking. I couldn't even imagine eating it. I spent the meal up in my bedroom. I also was beginning to notice that I could only spend so much time doing something or being around people before I had to retreat into my own little space. I believe my mom was disappointed that I didn't join my family and friends for the meal. She didn't fully understand why and neither did I. I thought I was going crazy!

My therapist always starts off asking me how I'm doing (I sometimes try to beat her to it first...catches her off guard a little. Ha!). I guess I had been answering tired for quite sometime. She asked if she could go get something and she came back with a book titled: "Adrenal Fatigue: The 21st Century Stress Syndrome" by James L. Wilson, N.D., D.C., PhD. I had never heard of adrenal fatigue before. There are two tests that you can do at home to see if you have it and since she had a blood pressure cuff she had me lay on her couch. I found it ironic because just the night before I was thinking it was a good length couch for some Freudian therapy.

As I laid there for five minutes she read off some of the symptoms. Many of them she didn't even need me to reply...she already knew the answer. Some of them applied to me some of them did not. Some of the symptoms are:

• Difficulty getting up in the morning. (Nope. Total opposite.)
• Continuing fatigue not relieved by sleep. (Big YES!)
• Craving for salt or salty foods. (Nope- craving for refreshing foods.)
• Lethargy (lack of energy). (YES!)
• Increased effort to do every day tasks. (YES! So annoying!)
• Decreased ability to handle stress. (Yeppers!)
• Increased time to recover from illness, injury, or trauma. (Oh yeah! Caught a simple bug from Josalyn and it took me forever to get over it.)
• Light-headed when standing up quickly. (Light-headed and tingly often.)
• Mild depression. (Well this one was a no brainer. More than mild.)
• Less enjoyment or happiness with life. (Yes though depression also plays a big part in this.)
• Increased PMS. (I don't remember how I answered this one.)
• Symptoms increase if meals are skipped or inadequate. (Yeah. And at the time I was eating the same three meals every single day.)
• Thoughts less focused, more fuzzy. (For sure and so frustrating!)
• Memory less accurate. (Yes. Though long-term is mostly fine. I struggle with talking and getting the word order right and the tenses. I notice it and repeat it right but get very frustrated.)
• Decreased tolerance. (Poor Tom! My mom also thought it was becoming a new trait to be rude and abrupt. Or if you put a twist on it I was letting my feelings out more which is good right?)
• Don't really wake up until 10am. (I didn't find the next three to be true. I have since learned why.)
• Afternoon low between 3:00pm and 4:00pm.
• Feel better after evening meal.
• Decreased productivity. (Yes. Do I get anything done besides resting and laying on the couch? Sometimes it feels like I never do.)

After the five minutes my therapist took my blood pressure while I was still on the couch and then once again after I stood up. Everything was normal but she still wasn't convinced. She copied the questionnaire/test out of the book to have me take over the Christmas vacation.

Tom, Chris and I spent close to two weeks at home. I would say it felt like the majority of that time I spent in my room alone. Tom & Chris shared a room so that I had my space and my sister ended up sleeping in my parent's bedroom. I sometimes asked myself "why did I even bother going home?" Once again I skipped the big family meal. I decided I wanted to become a vegetarian. Just the thought of meat made me sick. I procrastinated in taking the questionnaire but eventually pulled it out. As I took it I felt that I was going to come out mild. Some areas I scored mostly zeroes but guess what? It showed that I had a severe case of adrenal fatigue. I let my therapist know and she wasn't surprised.

Now that my behavior had a name it seemed that everyone was a little more understanding of my behavior. There was something to blame that wasn't "my" fault. Did any of us know what exactly adrenal fatigue even was? No not really. I've been assigned by my therapist and the nurse practionaner that I'm presently seeing to read the book and try to implement the lifestyle it suggests. The idea is that under certain circumstances you can deal with adrenal fatigue on your own without seeing a doctor.

I'm still not reading. *sigh* I only have read the forward and since buying the book I have only cracked it open once (today to type out the symptoms). But from the 1930's to the 1960's an extremely safe remedy was approved by the FDA called adrenal cortical extract (ACE) and was very safe. Since the 1970's the FDA has "outlawed" and persecuted this remedy. Reasons? Money and politics. What used to be known as a widely accepted syndrome is now pretty much unknown. I even asked my brother-in-law who is about to graduate from medical school if he knew what it was. His response was: "Your adrenal glands are worn out?".

Even though it is now March there is still much for me to learn and so many of my other health concerns are interwined with adrenal fatigue. That is why I'm splitting up this topic into parts. As my therapist has read bits and pieces of this book she has recognized many around her struggling with adrenal fatigue on some level including her oldest son (we have a couple of things in common). We both are seeking medical help (from the same nurse practioner) because of the severity of some of the symptoms we are experiencing. But I will leave that for another day.

But I most definitly have learned the difficult way that because of the way we treat our bodies, may it be through poor nutrition, lack of exercise, accumulating stress or reasons out of our control, our bodies begin to shut down to preserve what funcitions and body parts it deems most important. My lifestyle has been changed for months partly because of adrenal fatigue, but there is hope. And I try my best to hold onto that hope for healing in so many different areas of my life.

A Priceless Gift

When I first moved into my present ward I did NOT want a calling in primary. I hadn't really been in primary much since I was a child. It was a foreign land and I was intimidated. I also hadn't interacted with children very much over the past seven years while going to school. I kept my fingers crossed that I would be passed over.

I was called to be on what was then called the Enrichment Committee. I could handle that. I felt a sigh of relief that I had gotten away with not being put in primary. But then Tom was extended a second calling, and it became apparent that in our ward if you didn't hold a leadership position you usually had more than one calling. I didn't feel so "safe" then.

The dreaded day came. I was asked to team teach what was then CTR 6 (now CTR 5). What a huge blessing it was to have someone to follow and observe for a couple of weeks. I started to learn the names of the children in our class and even other children in Jr. primary. I began to teach every other week. We had a large class with a couple of children with special needs, so at times it would get to be pretty crazy. But I loved every single one of them. I loved watching how they grew so much in that second half of the year. Because I joined them late I moved up to CTR 7 (CTR 6) with them as their teacher. I was excited to be able to spend more time with them.

There was always the intention of calling another teacher to help me out. On a typical Sunday I would have probably about seven children. I was down to one now with special needs. I have to admit that there were Sundays that I went home crying thinking that I hadn't accomplished anything. I struggled with finding the balance of disciplining but also not letting one child disrupt the learning of the other children. I had a smart class, and I wanted it to be fun for all. Eventually I would pull Tom in with me while I taught if it looked like I was going to have a big class. He came to love every one of those kids too. I never did get a team teacher, but I was sad to see "my" kids graduate to Sr. primary.

I was excited to get a new class and to get to know other kids in the primary better. I had a small class now, and they were all sweethearts. I came to love them quickly. There were no more Sundays of crying. It didn't mean that every Sunday went smoothly. But compared to the year before my class was easy to work with. The kids were eager to learn and gave insightful answers to questions. I was happy right where I was.

Besides enjoying teaching I also enjoyed sharing time. I loved to hear the different children participate. Sometimes I would be blown away by their answers to questions asked. I also liked having the opportunity to relearn the primary songs. I had pretty much forgotten most of them. During my difficult year of teaching by myself I would always remind myself to be grateful that I didn't have to teach sharing time. That task seemed daunting. Not only did you have to teach the lesson twice, but you had adults observing you as well. I liked the fact that it was just the kids and me when I taught. If I botched it I knew that they would forget by the next Sunday, and they would love me no matter what.

I had a dear friend move out of the ward boundaries. She had been serving as first counselor in primary presidency. She asked me what I thought about being in the presidency. I was blunt in the fact that I did NOT want to be a counselor. I didn't want the stress of teaching sharing time. My friend passed the word onto the primary president and once again I felt "safe." I went out of town for two weeks and on my return my friend asked me if I had thought about primary at all. My answer was an emphatic no. She asked the question a couple of times. I knew then that I was in trouble. I was able to escape the first couple of Sundays back, but the fateful day came when I was called to be the first counselor in the primary presidency.

I knew that I was going to be pushed out of my comfort zone multiple times. The women I served with were loving and wonderful. I felt welcome right off. I don't remember what my first sharing time was about, but I thought I was going to pass out I was so nervous. Yet I survived and continued to do so as time went by. I became known for going a little over the top with my lessons. I felt that if I was bored preparing the lesson, then the kids would be bored hearing it. I always worried that I wouldn't have enough material to fill up my time, but I almost always took up the whole time. I think our music leader just came to expect that when it was my turn to teach. I couldn't help but look for creative ideas to teach. I was still nervous before teaching, but the minute I started all fear disappeared as I would get immersed in the lesson and the kids. I honestly loved teaching sharing time.

I cornered the 1st counselor in the bishopric one Sunday as I was checking in on nursery and found out that the bishopric would be considering whether or not to change the primary presidency after the children's program (Nov 2012). This program was both the president's and my third time, though this year I ended up being out of town. I still put the rough draft together; I shared the information with the president (who is also a friend), and we would laugh and guess at where we would serve next. She felt that she may be called to Young Women's. At the time I had a feeling that I may be called to nursery. We had been needing more help, but we had a hard time coming up with names. My last few months in primary, when I had the strength to make it to church, were mainly spent in nursery. I missed my interaction with the older children but I loved each of the kids in nursery too.

My first Sunday back at church after the Thanksgiving break I was notified that I would be released the following Sunday. I was notified at the same time as another counselor, and I acted cheerful. I knew right away who the president would be and that the counselor I was sitting near would be called back into primary. I expected to feel a huge sense of relief. With the decrease of my health and just the different things that took place the first Sunday's of the months, I hadn't taught sharing time since July. I thought knowing that I wouldn't have to teach sharing time would make me feel less stressed and less guilty. My reaction surprised me.

As I sat sitting in church as the meeting went on it slowly began to sink in. I looked around the room at the different children. It began to dawn on me that the world of primary would no longer be mine. I wouldn't have the children running up to me to give me a hug, to show me a loose tooth, to tell me about their birthday party, to tell me how many teeth they had lost, to show me their very first pair of heels, etc. Such small moments that I would no longer have.

It took all I had to hold in the tears until I found an appropriate time to get up and go out to my car. It wasn't sitting in a very private location, so I drove off and parked in a parking lot that was mostly empty, and I sobbed. I'm not sure how long I sat there, but my heart was breaking. The laughter I had experienced at the idea of being released was forgotten. The following Sunday I didn't go to church because of health reasons but also because I knew I couldn't handle sitting there as my name was announced and another's to replace mine.

My time in primary was a priceless gift: a gift that Heavenly Father knew I needed even though I dreaded it at first. As most know, primary can get to be noisy and pretty crazy, but stepping through the primary doors at times was like walking into a piece of heaven. Children eager to learn and share. After my time in the Johnson Unit last year Sister Roderick had the children draw something that made them happy. Those drawings can still be found hung up above my closet. It is amazing how much love and healing can be found in a child's arms when you have a hard time finding it anywhere else.

I have to be honest and say that at times it still hurts. I happened to be looking at instagram, and I saw a picture of a Sunbeam giving her first talk. A child who had just been in nursery last year. In the photo I could see some of the presidency sitting where I once sat. I found myself tearing up. I miss them. I know that the timing of my departure was right. My health started to decrease even more quickly after that, but yet it was another loss. One that I didn't realize would hurt. It is a huge feat if I make it to just Sacrament Meeting now. I know the children are in good hands and are loved very much by their teachers and leaders.

     Heavenly Father, are you really there?

     And do you hear and answer ev'ry child's prayer?

     Some say that heaven is far away,

     But I feel it close around me as I pray.

     Heavenly Father, I remember now

     Something that Jesus told disciples long ago:

     "Suffer the children to come to me."

     Father, in prayer I'm coming now to thee.

     Pray, he is there;

     Speak he is list'ning.

     You are his child:

     His love now surrounds you.

     He hears your prayer;

     He loves the children,

     Of such is the kingdom,

     The kingdom of heav'n.

"A Child's Prayer", words and music by Janice Kapp Perry

(*Note: The majority of this blog post was written before I was officially released. I was planning on publishing it shortly after, but because of health issues writing takes so much out of me physically and emotionally.)

You're Still You

My favorite music videos are the ones that tell a story. Many times that story will make me view the song in a new way. It will bring the words to life and help me to relate to it on a personal level. I don't really like watching music videos where the artist is just singing. He or she may change clothes or locations, but I find them to be boring. I might as well just listen to the song on its own.

There is one song that I've loved for many years. Its music video falls under the later and so every time that I hear the song I see a music video in my mind. The song is "You're Still You" sung by Josh Groban. Every single time I hear the song the same story comes to mind.

Josh is entering a hospital room where his wife is laying in a hospital bed looking pale, very weak, thin and she is bald. You can tell that she is in pain. She has been fighting a hard battle with cancer.

When she sees Josh enter the room we zoom to her face and see her eyes light up and a winning smile replace the tired one.

We zoom out to see Josh stand next to her hospital bed on the left side. The window is at Josh's back and light is streaming into the room. Josh slowly bends over to kiss his wife on her forehead. Her eyes shut for a moment in peace. Josh then reaches for the chair behind him and draws it up beside her bed and holds her right hand in both of his.

It is quiet except for the humming of the machines. Josh looks intently at his wife as she smiles through the pain. Josh begins to sing the song.

We are then taken back to a crowded college campus. Josh is walking swiftly to his next class and happens to glance to his left to see a beautiful young lady leaning against a tree studying some papers in her hands. She happens to look up and their eyes connect. Her eyes light up as she smiles.

We are then taken to a small chapel where Josh is wearing a tux and the beautiful young lady is wearing a simple but exquisite wedding gown. They are facing one another in front of the preacher. Josh lifts the veil up and over head and looks into her eyes. We get a close up of her eyes shining with joy as a tear slips down her cheek and meets her soft peaceful smile.

We are then brought back into a hospital. But this time we see Josh and his wife sitting together on a hospital bed looking down at a newborn wrapped in a blanket. For a moment their eyes meet and her eyes are once again filled with unspeakable joy as she holds her first child in her arms. She can't stop smiling.

We are then taken to a cozy dinning room with a long wooden table and chairs. Food is spread across the center and and there are many people of all different ages sitting together chattering as they eat a delicious meal. It becomes apparent that three generations are represented in the room. Through all the noise and passing of food Josh's wife looks once again at him with eyes bright and filled with thankfulness as she grabs his hand and gives it a squeeze.

We are now taken into a doctor's office where the doctor says a few words and Josh's wife's head drops as tears pour down her cheeks. Josh is holding her left hand and is speechless. He helps her stand and gathers her into his arms. Her eyes squeeze shut as she continues to shake leaning into Josh.

We are then taken to a master bathroom. Josh's wife is standing at the mirror in shock as she sees her brush full of hair. She is too scared to look in the mirror for fear of what will be looking back at her. Josh pops in to tell her something and notices that she is frozen in place. He quickly realizes the situation and pulls his wife from the bathroom to sit on the bed beside him. She stares blankly ahead.

We are then brought back to the present. Josh's cheeks are wet with tears but he is smiling as he realizes that even through the pain his wife is still a light in his life. Their eyes meet and they both smile and her eyes light up once again as they did the first time their eyes met oh so many years ago. Even through all the pain she is still herself. A light in his life. A light that will never die.

This song has been on my mind for the last couple of weeks. There have been many times where I find myself staring at myself in the mirror. Looking into my own eyes wondering where I have gone. I think back on the horrific moments that most people can't imagine the actions I have taken. In those moments I am not myself. But even after those moments have passed I still stare blankly at myself in the mirror.

Trials of faith bring changes. These trials can strengthen or weaken our faith. Elder Andersen in this last General Conference says, "These fiery trials are designed to make you stronger, but they have the potential to diminish or even destroy your trust in the Son of God and to weaken your resolve to keep your promises to Him." There have been times that I have felt weak. Physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. I feel as though I can't take on one more thing without breaking. Lately I have been more depressed and anxious and have said countless times that I just want to give up. And it is hard for me not to get angry at God. For all that is on my plate and now the added physical issues that I now face as well. It seems to be my year to experience it all.

But my faith in God and His plan for me is what has kept me going. Taking one day at a time. I often ask God why are you asking so much of me. Especially in my weakened state. In the scriptures the Lord says: "My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways...

"For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts." I can't see the big picture. I can barely see to the end of the week. I sometimes feel that I am weak but I am told that I am actually becoming stronger. I can't see it or feel it. Elder Andersen says, "By definition trials will be trying. There may be anguish, confusion, sleepless nights, and pillows wet with tears. But our trials need not be spiritually fatal. They need not take us from our covenants or from the household of God."

As I now look into my own eyes I try to remind myself that I am a daughter of God. He has made certain promises to me. Promises that He will keep. That though I may be changing, learning more about my weaknesses and strengths I am still me at the core. How much more time before I feel like myself? I don't know. Saturday I took the wrong drugs in the morning and I broke down wondering if some of these changes were permanent. My short term memory is horrible. My patience has worn thin. My desire to do the things that I used to is in many ways still buried deep. As time goes on I forget what I feel like when I am my "normal" self. Elder Andersen says, "Like the intense fire that transforms iron into steel, as we remain faithful during the fiery trial of our faith, we are spiritually refined and strengthened."

My hope is that I am being refined and strengthened. That I'm learning the lessons that I need to. I know that my trust in God has been strengthened. And even though I may feel so far away somewhere deep inside I'm still me.

My Pavilion

The definition of pavilion in the dictionary is "a light, usually open building used for shelter, concerts, exhibits, etc., as in a park or fair." When I first think of the word pavilion I think of Lewisville Park, which is close to where my parents live. It has quite a few pavilions. I reflect on 4th of July breakfasts, birthday parties, barbecues, the start of summer parties, water fights and many other wonderful memories when I think of those pavilions in that park. And being located in the Pacific Northwest they were most definitely used to shelter us from the rain at times. They were a safe haven that protected us from the elements.

It wasn't until hearing President Eyring's talk this last October General Conference that I began to give further thought to the word pavilion. I think many of us think of a pavilion as a sort of protection. Something good that helps us enjoy the outdoors. How could the word pavilion have a negative connotation?

In the past when I have told others that I'm struggling with depression I'm asked if I'm praying, reading my scriptures, going to church or going to the temple. As though those actions can chase the depression away. Now for those that are having a depressive day they most certainly can help. They can even help me, but no; they cannot chase the depression and anxiety away as much as I wish they could. The past year has been a roller coaster. I at times feel that I'm getting close to the top of my mountain to only slip down a few feet. Since this particular trial has now lasted more than a year it is hard for me to imagine actually making it to the top of the mountain. To even imagine what that will feel like. It has been so long in so many ways.

A couple of weeks ago I felt the gray that surrounds me develop into a deep dark fog. I couldn't mentally process much. I couldn't handle being around people for very long. The simplest acts would drain me. When I have always envisioned depression I picture in my mind a black fog surrounding me. Blocking all good things and all good thoughts. I feel as though I'm clawing out for something to grab onto. Anything. At these times I know mentally that Heavenly Father is there and is aware of my needs, but I cannot feel Him. I can't feel the promptings of the Holy Ghost. I can't feel of His love. It is like the conduit between me and heaven is blocked.

And this is my pavilion. It isn't one that I have chosen through my actions or the intentions of my heart. But it describes exactly how I feel. It is not a protection. It is something standing in the way between me and God. President Eyring says, "The pavilion that seems to intercept divine aid does not cover God but occasionally covers us. God is never hidden, yet sometimes we are." And it is during these moments that I feel so alone. It is often during these times that I feel frustration. I ask God "why do I have to go through this again? Don't I have enough on my plate as it is?" I find myself kneeling, sobbing my heart out to God for something to hold onto. For His hand to reach out for me to grab. But a pavilion stands in the way.

It is during these times that I rely heavily on those around me. Elder Ballard shares President Monson's thoughts on the matter. "President Thomas S. Monson has taught that in many instances Heavenly Father answers another person's prayers through us - through you and me - through our kind words and deeds, through our simple acts of service and love." Elder Ballard goes on to say, "And President Spencer W. Kimball said: God does notice us, and he watches over us. But it is usually through another person that he meets our needs. Therefore, it is vital that we serve each other." I'm not sure where I would be were it not for the simple acts of service and love that have been sent my way. Things as simple as a loving text, being given more eggs to throw against the shower wall, having good health insurance, having a home to go to when I need a safe haven, care packages left in front of my door, quotes, scriptures and music shared, comments left here on my blog or on facebook and the love and prayers sent from those near and far.

Now I'm far from perfect, and there is something that I occasionally do that most definitely keeps the pavilion in place. That is when I get angry at God. That He doesn't answer my prayers the way that I would like Him to. That He doesn't follow my own timetable. President Eyring talks about this pavilion, "...another way we can create a barrier to knowing God's will or feeling His love for us: we can't insist on our time table when the Lord has his own." There are other trials where I completely trust His timing. His timing is perfect and he sees the big picture. He knows when Tom and I are ready to be parents or when those souls are ready to join mortality. He knows when to heal. Having trust and faith in His timing makes these burdens so light to bear. President Eyring says, "His time should be soon enough for us since we know that He wants only what is best."

I don't know when this pavilion will be lifted. How much longer I will have to struggle taking one day at a time. How long it will be till I feel of God's love or feel His guiding hand in my life. I can see it, but I can't feel it. I don't have all the answers to my questions, but I do know that He cares, and just because I can't feel doesn't mean He has forgotten me. President Eyring shares, "God is close to us and aware of us and never hides from His faithful children." He is there. He loves me. He has helped me to get to where I am today by answering my prayers through other faithful sons and daughters. I am thankful that even with this pavilion over my head I am not alone. Never alone.

Gratitude

This past Sunday one of the high counselor speakers spoke on gratitude. Something that I really needed to hear. I had planned on visiting another ward but as I started driving I felt that I needed to attend my own ward and I am so grateful that I did. Gratitude to my Heavenly Father has been especially hard for me this year.

Every year in primary we teach the children the importance of praying to our Heavenly Father. That he cares so much about us and wants to hear from us. He cares about what we care about. We teach them the order of prayer. How we greet our Heavenly Father and then go on to thank him for the many blessings that he has given us. As adults I think we sometimes get stuck saying the same things, which is OK if it is truly coming from our hearts instead of being spoken with little thought.

I shared a room with my youngest sister growing up. We are seven years apart in age. Because we shared a room I got to hear the prayers she gave with my mother kneeling by her side. She was quite creative and thoughtful when it came to thanking Heavenly Father. I don't remember all the cute things she said, but one that comes to mind was that she was thankful for Benjamin Franklin. Why? Because he came up with the bifocals which my mother needed to use to read. She was very specific when she gave thanks.

This past year I have had a hard time being grateful. When I first met with my therapist she had me write down three things that had happened that day that I was grateful for and then one negative thing. But that was not all. I needed to come up with a reason how that negative experience brought something into my life that I was grateful for. It wasn't always easy. Sometimes I would just write "I am alive." I kept writing in my thankful journal until a little after my JU experience and then I stopped. I'm not really sure why. My memory is seriously horrible.

But even now when I pray I struggle. Many times I say "I am trying my best to be grateful for this day." And that would be it. It is true that when we are amidst our struggles and trials it is hard to find the motivation to be grateful. I had plenty of things to be grateful for, but they seemed insignificant compared to my struggles. My struggle to find the desire to live. The desire to take one step at a time. The desire to see my therapist or psych nurse. Everything else felt inconsequential.

But one thing the high counselor pointed out is that by not thanking our Heavenly Father we miss out on blessings. And boy do we need some extra blessings when we are going through a difficult time. The Doctrine & Covenants touches upon this topic.

D&C 78: 17-19

17 "Verily, verily, I say unto you, ye are little children, and ye have not as yet understood how great blessings the Father hath in his own hands and prepared for you;"

18 "And ye cannot bear all things now; nevertheless, be of good cheer, for I will lead you along. The kingdom is yours and the blessings thereof are yours, and the riches of eternity are yours."

19 "And he who receiveth all things with thankfulness shall be made glorious; and the things of this earth shall be added unto him, even an hundred fold, yea, more."

Wow! What a promise we have been given. Heavenly Father has so much he wants to bless us with. He gives us blessings just because He loves us so much, but if we receive our blessings and express gratitude for them then Heavenly Father blesses us even more! It sounds so easy, and it is a win-win situation, but many times we get caught up in the things of the world, or we become to busy, or we don't even take the time to truly see all the blessings we have been given. Or in my case I get caught up in asking for things like understanding, strength, and peace to just name a few.

These last couple of weeks my depression and anxiety have deepened for many reasons: diet, lack of sleep (needing to rest a lot), situations I have been dealing with, lack of energy, adjusting to a higher does of a med, and the lack of exercise (because I am so weak). I have asked myself many times why am I still fighting? Maybe to return to live with my Heavenly Father, but what if that isn't what I want? What do I truly have to live for? I let Satan in when I am weak. Everyone that I have asked these questions to give similar answers: for your family, for Tom, for all those that love you, the world would be a different place without you, Heavenly Father has plans for you, Just hold on a little longer, these experiences will make you stronger.

I had a close friend advise me to make a list of all the things that I am grateful for. It is a proven fact that gratitude can bring peace, happiness, and a longer life. But I haven't wanted to acknowledge all the blessings I have been given. Especially since I haven't gotten what I expected on my own time table. I often have to remind myself that God's timing is perfect and to be patient. But that can be so hard when the thought of going to bed depresses you because it means another day is coming. A day where I will struggle with the same emotions. A day where I will have the same questions. A day where I am too weak to do too much, and the things I do get done have to be broken up throughout the day. I have been stubborn. I have not wanted to write a list of things that I am thankful for. But being thankful is a commandment, and it will bring us more blessings. I feel that I can use all the blessings that Heavenly Father is willing to give me. And so here I go. I am going to count my many blessings. Well at least a few, and these are not premeditated.

1. I am thankful for Tom. I don't know very many men who would be so patient and loving when their wives fight them, or tell them that maybe they don't want to be married to them or tell them that they hate them. Tom honestly has been one of my biggest blessings ever! He really only has a couple of regrets over the last year, and one of them is that he rolled his eyes. I don't remember the situation at all, but in my thankful journal for one of the days that is my one negative thing. I really can't complain about the rolling of eyes. :o)

2. I am thankful that my sister Brittany flew out to spend a week with me shortly after my stay in the JU. Brittany is the sister that is seven years younger. We are close. People ask me how we became so close, and I tell them it must be because we shared a room together for seven years. But honestly I don't think that is the reason. We don't have deep conversations, and we don't talk on the phone much, but we do hand-write letters. We have a connection that I can't explain. Brittany was my angel the last time I struggled with depression. She supports me without asking for anything in return. Many times you will find us in the same room doing our own thing. I know that she will love me no matter what. Now the fact that she flew out to see me is BIG to me. She spent most Summers at home and never really wanted to come down to Eugene. I always went up to see her. So the fact that she spent a week with me in my home means a lot to me.

3. I am thankful that my sister Christina let me borrow her bike for a year. It works much better than my old one. It is true that I haven't biked much at all lately, but I have put over 700 miles on it. It sits on my deck, and I see it everyday. It looks a little different now because of all the bike stuff I've added to it, but it is a reminder of how much I truly do love to bike and that one day I will be biking again. It really helped me to cope with the Summer months.

4. I am thankful that Heavenly Father has blessed us financially and I don't mean with money. This year has brought some big expenditures. Unplanned ones for sure. Tom and I have always tried to build our savings which sometimes is difficult because when we hit a certain amount we end up needing it to repair the car. But those stresses do not occur until we have the money for it. Our car broke down twice this year. Both times seemed to happen at the most inopportune times. The second time it broke down it really seemed that all odds were against us. Tom's mom was flying into Portland in just a couple of hours. But luckily for us the car broke down just as Tom reached the Battle Ground exit (he was heading to my parent's house where I had been staying). Luckily for us Tom had the cell phone (we only have one). Luckily for us my mom had left the day before for Arizona. That meant that we could borrow the car for a week. My dad would just have to drive his truck around (it is manual and my mom can only drive automatic). And the fact that our car went to car heaven when Tom's mom came out was the biggest blessing of all. Because she helped us look for a new car or think of ways we could maybe ship out one of theirs. Tom's stress levels were already high and I don't want to even begin to imagine what they would have been like if his mom wasn't here giving her support and love. And also that he was able to talk to his dad who gave his support and love. We did not have money for a car. Our savings was already beginning to disappear because of medical expenses. Tom's parents bought us the car (we are going to pay them back).

5. I am thankful for how my in-laws have lived their lives in such a way that they would have money to help us out. Of course we hated asking for it, but as Tom and I struggle to make every little cent count. Now that our savings are completely gone it brings peace to know that they are there to support us. And not only with money. Tom's mom visited us twice this year. Her second trip was an answer to my prayer. Tom was struggling with being able to focus on his research and the school was starting to push a little. Tom and my therapist thought I should live with my parents for a month. I did not like that idea at all. I hadn't packed for such a long stay and that would also mean that I wouldn't be able to see my therapist or psych nurse. I would have to take a big pause in my healing process. And believe me a month feels more like a year. My going back to Eugene wouldn't solve any of the issues Tom was facing. I prayed mightly that there would be a third option and Heavenly Father answered my prayers. My mother-in-law came to stay with us for three weeks! She sacrificed time spent with her husband, bird, family and her first grandson that she loves so much. She was easy going, didn't push me, was encouraging, happy, and content to do her own thing when I needed space. She drove me to all my appointments. She made dinner every night. Just having her physically there was a huge blessing to me.

Now I probably could go on and on, and when I find the energy I will try to think of more things and write them down in my journal. I think the reason I have been so stubborn is because I feel that finding the good during the hardest time of my life means that it really isn't that hard. But I need to change my perspective. Being thankful does not change our circumstances or make our trials disappear or become light as a feather. But being thankful does help us to remember how much Heavenly Father loves us and how He is there with guiding hands during the hard times. It may help us to change our attitude. It reminds us that there is good in this life on earth. It may be what helps us face a new day. It may bring us a little peace. A little respite from dealing with all the heavy things that mortality can bring us.

"When upon life's billows you are tempest tossed,

When you are discouraged thinking all is lost,

Count your many blessings; name them one by one,

And it will surprise you what the Lord has done.

 

So amid the conflict, whether great or small,

Do not be discouraged; God is over all.

Count your many blessings; angels will attend,

Help and comfort give you to your journey's end."

 

-Johnson Oatman, Jr.

Grieving

Grieving is a process with how we deal with loss - big or small. There are five stages of grief. They don't have to be experienced in order. Sometimes you can experience two of the stages at the same time. Everyone experiences grieving in their own way.

1. Denial, disbelief, numbness
2. Anger, blaming others
3. Bargaining
4. Depressed mood, sadness, and crying
5. Acceptance, coming to terms

When Heavenly Father told me it was time to start the grieving process I started sobbing. I didn't want to. It felt like giving up. It felt like losing hope. I viewed it negatively. I kept asking God haven't I been through enough this year? Why this? Why now?

I believe I mentioned before that I haven't been sleeping well for almost three months now. I wake up a number of times throughout the night. Sometimes feeling more and more anxious as the morning begins to dawn. I am physically spent, so you would think that I would actually sleep. I am on a natural sleeping aid and a medication, so falling asleep isn't a problem. It is staying asleep. Well early this morning I was feeling overly anxious and sitting next to my bed. I had tried sleeping on the couch and in the chair. When 5:30 am hit I sat in my new corner waiting for 6 am to arrive. That is the earliest time I allow myself to take my morning medication which does contain an anti-anxiety medication. Tom came and sat down next to me on the floor and said something that really got me thinking. I was expressing how tired I was. How anxious I was feeling. Why do I have to grieve? He said so that all the emotion could be dealt with. So that I could cry in an environment where I felt comfortable doing so (I hate crying in front of people).

I have experienced a lot of loss this year of many types one after the other. I'm not sure I have grieved fully any of those losses because another one hits soon after. And I believe I have stuffed all that emotion deep inside. My therapist has tried to get me to bring it up on a number of occasions, but I always tell her that the minute I enter her front door I stuff it away. Usually. Lately I have found everything to be draining. Even good things. I have come to be dissatisfied with my calling which I love and I really wouldn't want a different one. I couldn't understand it. I have felt strongly that I do NOT want to teach sharing time.

This week I have been the Ultimate Hermit staying at home and keeping my phone on silent. Now I haven't been just twiddling my thumbs. I found myself one day cleaning all day. Scrubbing and painting walls. Doing laundry. Reorganizing spaces. Purging. Taking out the garbage. Doing the dishes (Tom usually does them). Yesterday I found myself working on Project Life for 2011. It is so close to being completed. I have even been reading a little bit. The TV has hardly been turned on. For some reason I haven't really wanted to watch movies for months.

It was early this morning that I came to the conclusion that I have been in many ways fighting the grieving process. Humans in general will run from negative emotion. But you know what? It is a part of life. Something that we shouldn't run from. Running just prolongs the agony and can actually make us physically sick. I have been experiencing Limbo Loss for three months, and I can tell you that it has taken its toll. Part of me just wants to skip over the next three months. I'm not in a mood to celebrate the holidays. I'm ready for this year to be over. I'm now viewing those months differently.

I think that for the next three months I need to focus on healing. I have given all that I have, and I am worn out. It is time to let the varying emotions lose. I have been feeling guilty for taking time to be alone. I keep telling myself that I should be focusing on other friendships now that this other one has come to an end. I keep telling myself that I should put forth effort to get to know certain people better. All good things. But emotionally, mentally, physically, and even on some level spiritually I am not at a place to put forth that effort. It feels selfish, but it is time to take care of myself. And if that means I need a couple of weeks without interacting with anyone but Tom that is OK. If I tell people 'no I can't do something' that is OK. My body needs a rest. And I'm still dealing with varying levels of depression and anxiety.

It is time to stop running and turn around and face what I have left behind. The loss of my grandparents. The loss of my uncle. The loss of Sketch Support. The loss of Josalyn & Bryce. The loss of Leslie. The loss of this new friendship. The loss of physical health. The loss of our savings. The loss of mental health. The loss of losing the desire to do the things that I used to love. The limbo loss of not knowing if this is our last year in Eugene or not. The limbo loss of whether or not Tom will have everything done in time for graduation. I could go on. And so these next three months I am going to allow myself to be sad. Allow myself to cry. Allow myself to get angry. Allow myself to not feel guilty for any of it. And I'm sure as I start letting go that I will slowly rejoin the world of the living.

To everything there is a season,

and a time to every purpose

under heaven.

 

A time to be born, and a time to die;

a time to plant,

and a time to pluck up that which is planted;

 

A time to kill, and a time to heal;

a time to break down, and a time to build up;

 

A time to weep, and a time to laugh;

a time to mourn, and a time to dance;

 

A time to cast away stones,

and a time to gather stones together;

 

A time to embrace,

and a time to refrain from embracing;

 

A time to get, and a time to lose;

a time to keep, and a time to cast away;

 

A time to rend, and a time to sew;

a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;

 

A time to love, and a time to hate;

a time of war, and a time of peace.

 

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

 

And so I'm going to allow myself a time to weep, to mourn, to hate (get angry), to break down, a time to keep silent, etc. I believe as I allow these emotions to run free I will then find that slowly there will be a time to laugh, a time to build up, a time to heal, a time to get, and a time to love. For our Heavenly Father is wise and knows what we need most. I'm going to do my best to view these last three months as a gift of a time to heal. No deadlines. No hurry. Because I think we have all experienced that grieving takes time. And I am blessed that I really do have three months where I can take time to heal. Now of course it could take longer than that or less. But "to every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven". 

Blown Away

Saturday evening I found myself contemplating whether or not January 1, 2005 was the hardest day of my life or that day (Saturday). Many similarities but in many ways different. Another door has fully shut in my life. A door that Heavenly Father said was opening months ago. The evening of January 1st I got dumped by my boyfriend over the phone. I have shared a little of that experience in my blog post titled "Change". It took months for me to move on. I don't think I was fully over the experience even when I married Tom. Did I still love my ex-boyfriend? No. Love is an action word. It takes effort and time. It needs to be fed. Did I still care for my ex-boyfriend? Yes. But mainly I was still feeling hurt. I had to come to accept that this relationship would never have closure. A few years down the road he actually sent me a message and apologized for all the hurt he caused me and for the way that he broke up with me. It was nice but I had moved on and I didn't feel the need for closure anymore.

In this instance this was the only time that I was dumped. All my other relationships just fizzled over time. And the first guy that I really fell in love with still holds a special place in my heart. Loosing your boyfriend, best friend, potential mate is HARD. And it hurts. And it takes time to grieve over that loss. I was able to walk away from that relationship knowing that I had given it my all. I think some of those around me were surprised at how hard I took the loss. But they didn't know the full story. No one did but my parents up until we broke up.

Those who are close to me know that if they bring up the "Twilight" series to me that they are going to get an earful. But if I am asked which one is my favorite out of the four I would choose "New Moon." Many are surprised because that tends to be the one on the bottom of the list unless you are a die hard Jacob fan. I have heard people say that it is their least favorite because Edward is hardly in it. I've heard others say that Bella is being over dramatic with the loss of Edward in her life. Who would fall into a deep depression and fall apart over a guy? Come on she is just a teenager! "New Moon" is my favorite because I can relate to Bella. I know what it is like to want to die after a relationship ends. How much you wish you could just disappear because it hurts too much. How you almost wish they had died instead because then they didn't make the choice to leave you. How easy it is to slip into depression.

I was recently asked by a friend if  I could go back to when I made the decision to enter that relationship (one that no one supported and my mom came to Provo to talk me out of) would I still make the same decision. I quickly answered yes. Now if he had asked me that question the night of January 1st I may have said no. I learned so much over those nine months. I became less judgemental. I became more compassionate. Those nine months were anything but easy for me. But if I hadn't gone through them then I probably would have walked away from relationships I have made since then because I wouldn't even have a glimpse of understanding or empathy towards them.

But even having experienced all that I think that Saturday was the hardest day of my life. In my blog post titled "Change" and the one I wrote just before this one talks about a relationship that was in turmoil. For a little more than ten weeks I was experiencing limbo loss (just relearned that phrase from a book I'm reading). A friend demanded six weeks of space. She obviously had given it a lot of thought, but it side-swiped me. I have never experienced anyone needing that much space from me. I was hurt, and I didn't completely understand. But to the best of my ability I began to give her those six weeks of space (though I did have Tom talk to her mom two times in the beginning so that I could start the six weeks with a sense of peace). I loved her and was willing to give her what she needed. Well four weeks later I get a short and curt email that basically said that our friendship wasn't worth the cost. Basically I wasn't worth it. I lost it. I wanted to ingest every single pill that I had. Instead I threw them all over the living room. I was so angry and hurt. I collapsed to the ground sobbing and  asking "Why?" over and over again. I would do anything to salvage the relationship. She meant that much to me.

Now some of you may be thinking that it was time to let go and move on. And if someone had shared that experience with me I would tell them that they are better off without that friend. That maybe she was never truly a friend. That it was her loss. But she was a close friend. A friend that I trusted. A friend that knew more about what I had been experiencing than anyone else besides Tom and my therapist. She stood by me through it all. She received inspiration on my behalf. She in many ways saved my life. I admitted myself to the JU because of her understanding and the trust that I had in her. She sacrificed much for me. And I'm guessing that I don't even know all the sacrifices that she made. For a time I could only feel the emotion of love when wrapped in  her arms. Her hugs were magical, and I never wanted to let go. I couldn't imagine her never coming through my front door again or to never receive another hug or to hear her special nickname that only she called me.

Once I calmed down enough I sobbed a prayer to God telling him how I was feeling and that I didn't want to give up on her. That I loved her so much and that I felt that she was worth it. I then asked for a priesthood blessing. In it it stated exactly what I needed to email her. And one of those things was something that I had decided that if it came to that that I would end the relationship. But I put my trust in God and sent the email. I then waited (still going about doing things but didn't take anymore action towards that relationship). The last couple of weeks my patience began to wear thin. I hadn't had a decent night's sleep since it all began. I now can't stand sleeping in my bed because every time I do I wake up with panic attacks or I'm hyperventilating. So now I spend my nights on the couch. My memory has gone way downhill. My energy levels have dropped to where I don't even have the energy to ride my bike. I'm exhausted. I've been overly emotional. Simply put I've been a mess.

I poured my heart out to God telling Him I felt like I was getting weaker by the day. That I wasn't sure how much longer I could wait. I came close so many times to telling her that she was right, I wasn't worth it. Well I was told that she was given enough time and that it was to be a week of action. Little did I know that what He was going to ask me to do would be so difficult. In the previous post I share the first thing He asked of me that I considered a miracle because I was able to accomplish it. A couple of mornings ago I woke up with the need to write down a list of all the things I loved about this person. I felt that I was doing it for myself so that I would remember why I love her so much. But I felt strongly that I needed to give her the list. It was up to me on when and how I was going to do it. I wasn't sure what action to take. I felt that if I made one slight mistake that my second chance would be toast.

Saturday morning was hard for me. I really was coming to the end of my rope. I felt that I had no more left to give to anyone. Well God asked one more hard thing of me. I was to visit this person at work and give her the list of reasons why I loved her. I was terrified. Before the previous Sunday we hadn't communicated in weeks. I didn't know what she was thinking or feeling. But once again I put my trust in God and was hoping for the miracle that He promised me days before. That she would turn towards me with an open heart.

To say that our conversation went badly is an understatement. I have never ever been treated so coldly. I asked her for a minute of her time and I could tell right off she was not happy that I was there. We went into a back room and she glared at me waiting for me to start talking. I got so nervous that it took me awhile to gather back my thoughts. But I started to talk and express that I was doing my best to follow God's will. I handed her my list and she folded it up. I won't go into the whole conversation, but I ended up crying and I mean crying hard and she just stood there. Stone cold. She came to understand that I was not there to delve into the past but to pass her my list and tell her that I was confused about what I could have done that was so unforgivable and that would make us go from close friends to just simple acquaintances (I wasn't even sure what that meant). She understood that I wanted to resolve things. She said she would have to pray and think about that. I told her that I respected that and that I loved her. She opened the door and I stormed out.

My immediate reaction was why did I put myself through so much suffering for this? Was God playing with me? Had I said too much? Did I get too defensive towards the end? I went away more confused than ever and deeply hurt. I came to the realization that she had hardened her heart against me. My desire to meet with her to talk things out died, for I know that no matter what I say I would be wrong or it would fall on deaf ears. She had made her decision, and as I thought about it I realized that she had started to harden her heart towards me from the very beginning. My heart wasn't only broken; it was shattered.

Tom had to work that evening, so I prayed and played "When You Believe" over and over again. Trying to believe that a miracle was still possible. That God is a God of miracles and He could soften her heart. But we have been given the gift of agency and God respects that. I waited until Tom got home from work (almost 1 am) and we talked til 2 am. I then asked for a priesthood blessing. I was told that my friend had missed her opportunity and it was time to start grieving. I started sobbing. This was not how I pictured things ending. I didn't want my last memory to be having her look at me with cold uncaring eyes.

I have never experienced the end of a friendship in such a way. It is obvious that in her mind it ended weeks ago, but I held onto what God told me and inspired me to do. I find myself at a loss. She is everywhere in my apartment. I went home from talking to her and changed and ended up putting on a top she gave me. I ended up sleeping in a nightgown she gave me. As I went to put my wallet away I came to realize that she gave it to me. I have no idea what to keep, what to hide, and what to part with. What will make the loss of my trusted friend more easy? I don't know. I know that I'm still in shock. I was looking through a scrapbook from 2010 and came across a picture of her. I saw warmth in her smile and in her eyes. Where did she go and what caused her to harden her heart against me? What did I do that has made her so angry? I have no idea, and I'm not sure if I will ever know the answers. I still love her so much, but it is time to turn her over to God and move on.

I want to ask God, "How in the heck is this going to be a year of joy?" Because right where I'm standing right now it is still a year of Hell. I can't even begin to imagine what would make the next three months joyful ones. I started reading "How to Survive the Loss of a Love" yesterday and with all the different types of losses there are I have experienced ten this year. And they haven't been small ones.

Not that long ago I came across the song "Blown Away," sung by Carrie Underwood, and it really stuck with me. I wasn't sure why. Thankfully my mother is not an angel in the ground and my father is not an alcoholic. It is the chorus that really speaks to me. How do I blow away all the negative memories and hold onto the good ones? I don't want to harden my heart towards her. I don't want the past memories to be tainted by recent events. Relationships are so important to me so how do I let go because I don't want to. I want to believe that somewhere deep in her heart my friend can be found. That it isn't too late. I don't want her blown away from my life.