The Depths of Hell

Now the title of this blog post may offend some of you but to me it is the best way to describe depression. Especially when it is at its very depths. In the Doctrine & Covenants 122:9 we read:

"...and above all, if the very jaws of hell shall gape open the mouth after thee..."

At my very lowest points I felt that the very mouth of hell was open wide and ready to swallow me whole. Family, friends, medication (that is another whole blog post in itself), therapy, spending ten days in the psychiatric unit and of course Heavenly Father's help have all helped me to start to climb out of that pit. I have begun to join the world once again. Many of you have seen me or have interacted with me, and I have to be honest that I'm pretty good at acting like I'm a lot farther along on my journey than I am. Have I reached the top of my mountain that is in my path? No. I still have a long ways to go (at least it feels that way).

One of my favorite poems is by Robert Frost and is titled:

"The Road Not Taken"

"Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,

And sorry I could not travel both

And be one traveler, long I stood

And looked down one as far as I could

To where it bent in the undergrowth,

Then took the other, as just as fair,

And having perhaps the better claim

Because it was grassy and wanted wear,

Though as for that the passing there

Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay

In leaves no step had trodden black

Oh, I marked the first for another day!

Yet knowing how way leads to way

I doubted if I should ever come back

I shall be telling this with a sigh

Some where ages and ages hence:

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I,

I took the one less traveled by,

And that has made all the difference."

I often ask myself which road I would take or will take in the future. For each of us come to turning points in our lives. Will I have the courage to take the road less traveled? Knowing myself as I do I probably would take the path more trodden down. Would I then miss out? I don't believe so. Even if we take the path that seems to be more traveled we are each different individuals and find different mountains and hills that block our path that we must climb.

Depression is a lonely road but one that many have traveled, are traveling or will travel. My heart goes out to all who know what it feels like to reach the depths of hell. It is most definitely not a pleasant place to find yourself. But there is hope and there is help. The Doctrine and Covenants 122:9 continues:

"...know thou, my son [daughter], that all these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good."

That is what I am holding onto. That is what helps me to get up in the morning and start climbing my treacherous mountain one more day. That when I reach the top of my mountain I will be able to look back and see my own personal beautiful heartbreak. That I will be a stronger individual because of my own personal struggle. That I will gain experience that is for my own personal growth.

There are still days, even hours and even moments where it would be so much easier to let "the very jaws of hell" swallow me up. But I am doing my best to stick it out and see where my personal road takes me and what difference it makes not only in my life but also in lives of those around me. As easy as that sounds in words it will be a continued battle. A battle that I hope with Heavenly Father's help I can win. That I can continue to have the courage to breathe one more day.