Change

I'm sure we have all heard the quote that the only constant in life is change. I can't say that change and I are the best of friends. Especially right now. Back in September my life seemed to be for the most part to be going smoothly. Sure it had its little bumps and stress, but overall I was happy with my life. I had a loving husband who was working hard in school but still put me first. I had a loving and supportive family. I had friends near and far. I was on a scrapbook design team that was a perfect fit for me. I was pushed to create but to create things my own way, and I got to keep what I made. I got to spend at least one day a week with Josalyn who has brought so much joy to my life. I enjoyed my calling in Primary even though I would get stressed every time it was my turn to teach Sharing Time. But you know what? I still enjoyed it. It seemed to me that I was leaving my 20's feeling good about life. I felt that it had meaning and that I was making a difference. Now of course if I really examine it my life wasn't perfect. I had my personal struggles and worried about the struggles of those close to me. But all of it I was able to handle. To be honest I was a little worried about what was waiting for me around the corner because it seemed in many ways that life was going too smoothly.

Change seemed to envelop me at the end of October and continued on. Losing three family members hasn't been easy. Losing the scrapbook design team that I enjoyed much has been hard. Knowing that I have caused much hurt to family and friends while I was in my darkest hours pierces my heart. Having "my" kids move miles away continues to be tough. Not being able to get a full night of sleep has intensified it all. That doesn't even begin to describe my experience with depression and anxiety that at some level continues on. These are all changes that I didn't choose for myself. There is a quote by Elder Richard G. Scott that really moved me. He says, "Just when all seems to be going right, challenges often come in multiple doses applied simultaneously. When those trials are not consequences of your disobedience, they are evidence that the Lord feels you are prepared to grow more (see Proverbs 3:11-12). He therefore gives you experiences that stimulate growth, understanding, and compassion which polish you for your everlasting benefit. To get you from where you are to where He wants you to be requires a lot of stretching and that generally entails discomfort and pain...This life is an experience in profound trust - trust in Jesus Christ."

While biking I find myself doing a lot of thinking. No one can come through depression and anxiety not changed. I consider myself in that transitional period. How have I been changed or how am I changing? Am I really that different of a person than I was in September? I don't really have an answer to those questions. Most people talk about the change of having a more compassionate heart and becoming a stronger individual. I was already a compassionate person but my experiences have deepened my understanding of depression and anxiety. Am I a stronger person? Definitely stronger than I was a couple of months ago but stronger than I was in September? I don't know.

Yesterday I found myself facing another change not of my choosing. A change that has rocked what seems to be my very foundation. I find myself questioning my abilities to be a good friend. I question my abilities to be a good listener. I question 'who am I?' Maybe I am not as compassionate as I thought. What I considered a loving and supportive email that I sent was then turned on me and used as ammunition from someone who I trusted and loved. I feel as though I've been stabbed in the back. I now question my relationship with God. I have done what I believed was my best to turn to Him and follow through with what He asked of me. Even in my moments of misery.

Now I knew that the fact that I was changing (in whatever ways that is) would also cause changes in most areas of my life. Now of course it doesn't mean that those changes have to be negative. I consider this most recent change to be negative. I have been extremely hurt, and it brings back memories of when the guy I loved dumped me New Year's Day. Someone that I loved and had invested a lot of my time and effort into the relationship. I just didn't lose my boyfriend and potential husband, but I also lost my friend. Was I shocked that our relationship came to an end? Not completely, but I was shocked the way that it ended. We had reached that place where we either get married or break up. I couldn't really picture myself entering the temple with him on our wedding day, but I loved him. I put a lot of prayer into what to do and nothing came. So I decided to take a step towards the road of marriage. I knew if I was heading down the wrong road that Heavenly Father would know. I put my trust in Him. That He knew what was best for both of us. And He did. But that change hurt because the moment my boyfriend let me know he was planning on breaking up with me it was like poof he was gone. I felt like he had disappeared and had taken my heart with him. With time I came to forgive him and moved on. I was then blessed with finding someone amazing to share my life with. Someone who has stuck by my side through the hardest moments. Someone who has been more patient than I thought was possible of anyone. Someone who reassures me as I go through changes.

My emotions about this recent change are still pretty raw. I woke up in the night a couple of times and it hit me all over again. My therapist wants me to write down two positives from this experience everyday. That is going to be hard. I did come up with two yesterday but I don't remember what they were. So far today I have come up with one. At least I won't have to clean my apartment for her every week for her weekly visits. Does that bring me a lot of comfort? Not really. Now this change may not be permanent, but I'm not sure since I can't ask her some questions that would help me make an important decision. So I find myself once again trusting my Heavenly Father and that He knows best. He knows her and loves her. He knows her heart better than I do. He knows me better than I know myself. Maybe this change will bring something into my life I never would have imagined.

I still would like to know what Heavenly Father is trying to prepare me for with all of these changes and challenges. But then again if I knew maybe I would make unwise choices and put my trust in man instead of our loving Heavenly Father.