Friday, July 6, 2012

Get It Right

This week has probably been one of the hardest weeks for me in quite sometime. I almost wish that someone had taped my mouth shut and tied my hands behind my back at the beginning of it. I have made so many blunders. I can't remember a time where I had to make so many apologizes in such a short period of time.

When I wrote my blog post titled "Even With My Dark Side" I originally had been inspired by a different song but as I started to write I realized that Kelly Clarkson's song fit with what I was writing better. It is a song that I have identified with for quite a few months. That post was mainly written for my mom and my sister. I wanted to let them know that yes I realized that I had caused them pain but I was thankful that they continued to love me and support me even with my dark side. I'm still at a place that it is draining in so many ways to verbalize my emotions. Writing here on my blog has become a safe place to express my thoughts and feelings as I go down this road I find myself on.

This week I found myself being overcome with anger out of the blue. Poor Tom. There was one evening in particular that no matter what he said I snapped. It became clear to me that no matter what he said I would snap right back at him. I wasn't sure where the anger was coming from and I was too tired to give it much thought. I retreated to my bed. I think he realized that I needed my space and that I was physically exhausted. He entered the room and put the shades down and shut the door. I eventually fell asleep though I wouldn't call it restful.

I haven't had a good night's sleep since I got back from California. I typically wake up sometime between three and five in the morning. I'm not fully awake but from that point forward I'm in and out of sleep. Last Saturday around six I found myself kneeling by my bed. Tom thought I was praying. Maybe that was my intention but I just knelt there. I then moved to the floor and asked for my blanket. I then had a dream that felt so real. I was in the same position on the floor except that I was sobbing uncontrollably. All of a sudden I woke up to find Tom on the floor holding me. I had been panting. It wasn't the first time Tom had awoken with me panting beside him. When I described to my psych nurse my sleeping habits she said it sounded like I was having mini panic attacks in the middle of the night. We made a slight change to my medication but it hasn't made a difference so far.

So needless to say I have been physically exhausted. It also doesn't help that three of the medications I am on cause drowsiness. I always feel tired but most of the time not tired enough to actually fall asleep. So you would think that I would give myself a break and take it easy. I am still biking almost everyday. I remember the days when making it to the Rose Garden and back seemed like such a chore. Now an easy ride for me is to the Autzen bridge and back. I only recently bought an odometer but I think on a typical day I will bike somewhere between 19 and 24 miles unless I do take it easy. Then I just bike 12 miles. Where do I find the energy? I have no idea. It has become somewhat of an obsession. Yesterday I put my biking clothes on eariler in the morning but I didn't actually bike until close to 8pm. All day I kept saying I need to bike but I just couldn't pick myself up off the floor.

I have always said that we each have our choice of drug to escape our lives for a short period of time. We need that. Reading used to be my choice of drug and now it is biking. In the beginning my thighs always cry out, "What the heck are you doing?!". But I push through and get lost in my thoughts or the music that I have blaring in my ears. Biking is my way of dealing with the anxiety that I feel during the day. It helps me cope. But of course it uses up what little energy I do have. Once I make it back home it can take a couple of hours before I start feeling like I can do something besides sitting collapsed on the couch.

One thing about biking that sometimes is hard is that I always pass the White's house where Ben (the father) is now living. It is constant reminder that Paige, Connor, Bryce and Josalyn are not there. It also doesn't help that I see his girlfriend's car there constantly. A friend of mine told me that on the 4th she saw a two year old in the backyard. When I read the text I was too tired to really give it a lot of thought but the next morning I found myself crying. Coming to realize that there is a little girl spending time in that house and it isn't Josalyn. I want to shout at Ben and ask him how could he choose this woman and her kid(s) over his own wife and kids? At times I feel a strong urge to go egg her car. Of course I would never really do that. Paige texted me yesterday morning and I can't say I was in a good frame of mind because I found myself venting to her about Ben and his girlfriend. I know that isn't what she needs or wants to hear. Her reply to all my venting? That his girlfriend is just another lost soul. Throughout the day I kept beating myself up for what I did. I felt a strong need to apologize and so I did. It has almost been a year since Ben asked for a divorce and I have done my best to be there with a listening ear, support and love. As much as I would like to aim all my anger at Ben I can't. Because out of this big mess he is the one losing out. He made his choice and is now paying the consequences of having his kids miles away and I know that he loves them and I know that they love him.

Another blunder I made was actually on the 4th of July. Overall it was a good day. Went on a bike ride with Tom and our friend Chris in the afternoon and then spent the evening with friends. But I found myself distancing myself from a close friend. I didn't purposefully do it at first. But I do have to admit that in some ways I was dreading the evening. If her sister hadn't been visiting there is a good chance I would have not gone at all. I knew I would regret the decision of not going and I can't say that I didn't enjoy myself. But I hurt someone that I love very much. Once again I found myself apologizing. As I am going through the recovering phase I find that so many things are changing. Not just myself. I am having a hard time processing it all. I feel as if I am a time bomb ready to explode at any minute.

But what was the hardest for me was last night. I have been talking Tom's ear off for weeks now. Usually he just sits there patiently listening to me as I try to make sense of what I'm feeling and experiencing outloud. It was getting close to midnight and we were actually talking about a number of different things. I'm not sure how our conversation ended up where it did but it did. Tom didn't really say much but what he did say pierced my heart. In just a couple of sentances he expressed how much I had hurt him at the beginning of the year. Those words with the expression in his eyes broke my heart. I found myself sobbing for the first time in a long time. I found myself wishing I was dead. I was scared that I wouldn't get out of bed this morning. That I would start sliding backwards. That I would skip my appointment with my therapist. I felt so sick inside. I felt that no matter what I did I just kept hurting those that I love most. Tom immediately apologized for voicing his emotions and then went on to mention all the things he loved about me but all I could focus on was that look in his eyes. I have known from the beginning that this year has been a difficult one for him as well as for me. But I never let my thoughts go further than that.

And so this morning I find myself relating to the song "Get it Right". It is actually an orginal song that one of the main characters on Glee sings in a competition that she wrote. I've identified with it for quite some time and it is the song that inspired me to write "Even With My Dark Side". Being a perfectionist I wish I could get it right the first time or at least the second time. But I am human and I am in need of Jesus Christ's grace just like everyone else. I will continue to make mistakes. I will continue to hurt those I love as I try to deal with the jumble of emotions inside. How many times will it take for me to get it right?


Thomas said...

Babes, you get it right more often than not. I love you very much, and I am a better person because of you, really I am. I think that Whitney, Paige, Leslie, etc. have all become better because of you or at least had more fulfilling lives. I love you. Thank you for sharing and thank you for getting up and visiting your therapist. :)

Anonymous said...

Nice post Mel
Love Kari

Anonymous said...

Melissa, You are still going through the healing process. This has been a hard year for everyone who loves you. It can't help but be hard because when someone you love is suffering, you suffer along with them. That is a very important part of love . The Savior has promised us beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for the oil of mourning. Christ has also told us that his grace is sufficent. That means to me that even though we suffer sometimes more than we think we can, the grace
lifts us up and above the pain. In that process we have become , better, stronger people,. The refiner's fire turns us into people more precious than gold. S. Michael Wilcox said that anguish carves a hole in our souls so we can store joy as overwhelming as was the pain.We can not begin to understand joy until we have tasted the bitter. In the long run all this will have been worth it.

love Mom

Anonymous said...

Hi Melissa,

I love you very much. What's important right now is that you keep trying to survive and find peace and happiness in your life! We will all stand by you.