Wednesday, September 5, 2012

Jesus, Take the Wheel

Next month marks the beginning of the road I have found myself traveling down. Last October I didn't realize what the future held or that I was already taking steps towards this Hellish path. The first sign of depression is a change in sleeping habits and to think that I laughed. I found it annoying that I was waking up earlier each morning no matter what time I went to bed but joked to my mom that I was finally becoming the morning person she always wanted me to be.

It is hard for me to comprehend that it has almost been a year...a whole year. In so many ways it has passed by quickly and in so many ways it has been the longest year of my life. A year of so many changes. A year of so many losses. A year of unkind words spoken. A year of making myself do things that I had no desire doing. A year of where I looked in the mirror and wondered where I had gone. A year of transition. A year of hardship. A year of Hell.

For the last few months I have been in recovery. Taking steps and moving forward. It didn't mean that I wasn't anxious. It didn't mean that I wasn't depressed. It did mean that I had no desire to take my own life. There were moments where I wished I could die because the emotional pain felt like too much to bear but somehow I pulled through. I truly believed that I had seen the end of suicidal thoughts or suicidal rampages. That I was fine being left alone and didn't need to be under suicide watch. But I was wrong.

Last week I celebrated my 31st birthday with family and friends. Towards the end of the celebrations I caught a nasty cold. I became physically, emotionally and mentally drained. I began to notice that I felt sick inside and I wasn't sure why. I also noticed that I was having a problem pronouncing words that never before had given me any trouble. I repeated to Tom many times that I was losing it. Tears were constantly below the surface and many did fall. I ran out of my antianxiety medication on Sunday and my anxiety went through the roof and I found myself going through withdrawals (it is truly addictive). Even after getting the medication on Monday I still felt out of control and that I was on slippery ground.

Yesterday I felt like hiding in my little corner but I pulled out my scriptures and read. I worked on Project Life (photo scrapbook). I still found myself crying. I also found myself worried that I might be pregnant. We really didn't think I was but the last two months have been so abnormal that I wasn't 100% sure. I kept telling myself that my psych nurse is going to kill me if I am. The natural sleeping aid I'm taking can do a wicked number on a baby and I had given her my word that there was no chance that I would become pregnant. Tom finally went out and bought a test so my fears could be put to rest. It was negative. I didn't feel happy or sad. I just felt dead and did go hibernate in my corner.

Not more than an hour later a friend texted me that she was expecting. I lost it. I fell to the ground sobbing. Do I wish I was pregnant? No. But I felt it was another example of someone getting what they wanted when all I could do was hold on for dear life. Tom being the good husband that he is tried his best to comfort me. The more he went on the angrier I got. I went into what was probably my worst suicidal rampage. Tom had to fight me once again and do his best to keep me pinned to the ground. Eventually I calmed down enough that he could clear the bathroom of everything and I got my space. How long was I in there? Oh for a few hours and then I moved to the couch. Tom went to bed with his clothes on because I've been known to bolt from the apartment in the past.

Now in the past I have blogged usually after the fact once I had my emotions somewhat in check. Today I am blogging amidst those emotions. I am tired. I am drained. I feel as though I have no more fight in me. I don't want to hear for the thousandth time that everything is going to be okay. I have been hearing that for almost a year and you know what? Everything is not okay. Today is a day that I cannot fake it. I have fought hard and I want to be done. My faith? On the shaky side. Some days it is just hard to hang on. I'm sure most of you can relate.

And so for now I look heavenward and throw up my arms and say, "Jesus, take the wheel. Take it from my hands because I can't do this on my own. I'm letting go so give me one more chance to save me from this road I'm on. Jesus, take the wheel."


Unknown said...

spoken from the heart and that's all okay. Are we all worried about you? Of course we are. Do we think it will "eventually" be okay? yes, we do. But it may be hell for awhile. Just hang on to that wheel and let Jesus take you along. Love you Melissa!

Anonymous said...

I think its healthy to admit that you fear everything won't be ok. I remember days during my recovery from surgery that were so painful I felt like God had forsaken me. God did not forsake me and he will not forsake you.

I found this quote by Richard G. Scott inspiring:

"As you conscientiously study the Atonement and exercise your faith that Jesus Christ has the power to heal, you can receive the same blessed relief. During your journey of recovery, accept His invitation to let Him share your burden until you have sufficient time and strength to be healed.
The beginning of healing requires childlike faith in the unalterable fact that Father in Heaven loves you and has supplied a way to heal. His Beloved Son, Jesus Christ, laid down His life to provide that healing. But there is no magic solution, no simple balm to provide healing, nor is there an easy path to the complete remedy. The cure requires profound faith in Jesus Christ and in His infinite capacity to heal."

We love you so much and are praying for you! Even little Sawyer is praying for "Missa"



Thomas said...

Melissa, I know that it will become better than okay. I know this has been, by far, the hardest year of your life. I also know that the last couple weeks have been the hardest for you in quite a while. Know still that NO MATTER WHAT I will love you very much. I pray for you and will do my best to keep you comfortable and to help you feel loved and needed.

Genny said...

Big hug from me to you!