Jesus, Take the Wheel

Next month marks the beginning of the road I have found myself traveling down. Last October I didn't realize what the future held or that I was already taking steps towards this Hellish path. The first sign of depression is a change in sleeping habits and to think that I laughed. I found it annoying that I was waking up earlier each morning no matter what time I went to bed but joked to my mom that I was finally becoming the morning person she always wanted me to be.

It is hard for me to comprehend that it has almost been a year...a whole year. In so many ways it has passed by quickly and in so many ways it has been the longest year of my life. A year of so many changes. A year of so many losses. A year of unkind words spoken. A year of making myself do things that I had no desire doing. A year of where I looked in the mirror and wondered where I had gone. A year of transition. A year of hardship. A year of Hell.

For the last few months I have been in recovery. Taking steps and moving forward. It didn't mean that I wasn't anxious. It didn't mean that I wasn't depressed. It did mean that I had no desire to take my own life. There were moments where I wished I could die because the emotional pain felt like too much to bear but somehow I pulled through. I truly believed that I had seen the end of suicidal thoughts or suicidal rampages. That I was fine being left alone and didn't need to be under suicide watch. But I was wrong.

Last week I celebrated my 31st birthday with family and friends. Towards the end of the celebrations I caught a nasty cold. I became physically, emotionally and mentally drained. I began to notice that I felt sick inside and I wasn't sure why. I also noticed that I was having a problem pronouncing words that never before had given me any trouble. I repeated to Tom many times that I was losing it. Tears were constantly below the surface and many did fall. I ran out of my antianxiety medication on Sunday and my anxiety went through the roof and I found myself going through withdrawals (it is truly addictive). Even after getting the medication on Monday I still felt out of control and that I was on slippery ground.

Yesterday I felt like hiding in my little corner but I pulled out my scriptures and read. I worked on Project Life (photo scrapbook). I still found myself crying. I also found myself worried that I might be pregnant. We really didn't think I was but the last two months have been so abnormal that I wasn't 100% sure. I kept telling myself that my psych nurse is going to kill me if I am. The natural sleeping aid I'm taking can do a wicked number on a baby and I had given her my word that there was no chance that I would become pregnant. Tom finally went out and bought a test so my fears could be put to rest. It was negative. I didn't feel happy or sad. I just felt dead and did go hibernate in my corner.

Not more than an hour later a friend texted me that she was expecting. I lost it. I fell to the ground sobbing. Do I wish I was pregnant? No. But I felt it was another example of someone getting what they wanted when all I could do was hold on for dear life. Tom being the good husband that he is tried his best to comfort me. The more he went on the angrier I got. I went into what was probably my worst suicidal rampage. Tom had to fight me once again and do his best to keep me pinned to the ground. Eventually I calmed down enough that he could clear the bathroom of everything and I got my space. How long was I in there? Oh for a few hours and then I moved to the couch. Tom went to bed with his clothes on because I've been known to bolt from the apartment in the past.

Now in the past I have blogged usually after the fact once I had my emotions somewhat in check. Today I am blogging amidst those emotions. I am tired. I am drained. I feel as though I have no more fight in me. I don't want to hear for the thousandth time that everything is going to be okay. I have been hearing that for almost a year and you know what? Everything is not okay. Today is a day that I cannot fake it. I have fought hard and I want to be done. My faith? On the shaky side. Some days it is just hard to hang on. I'm sure most of you can relate.

And so for now I look heavenward and throw up my arms and say, "Jesus, take the wheel. Take it from my hands because I can't do this on my own. I'm letting go so give me one more chance to save me from this road I'm on. Jesus, take the wheel."