Friday, September 21, 2012

When You Believe

I am not a consistent journal writer by any means. Next to my bed you will find a few journals where half of them are blank. I always made goals to improve in that area but never really have. I know scrapbooking is a way of documenting my story. They say a picture is worth 1,000 words, but on my scrapbook pages my journaling is usually brief and really doesn't delve into my emotions. I also do Project Life which is a photo scrapbook with journaling. For the past three years I have used it to document my life using the 365 approach. As in I take a photo every single day. Only 2009 is fully completed. 2010 is in need of lots of journaling. 2011 is close to becoming completed.

At the beginning of this year I knew that taking a photo a day was unrealistic. I already had my album set up and ready to go. I decided to take the weekly approach (document my life week by week). I have picked up my camera a lot less this year. I started to collect memorabilia to fill in the gaps. I had one good week while my mom was down and we got an organizational system down. A folder for each week so I would know where all that stuff would go. I have been working on 2012. At times I have to set it aside because it hurts too much and I haven't even begun journaling yet! The last three albums only took one scrapbook album each. This year it is going to take three because of all the inserts I'm adding. I know this is the only way I'm going to really document this year photo-wise, and I feel that it is important to document my story. My struggle. My heartache. My time in the Johnson Unit. The cards that loved ones have sent. Care packages that have been sent my way. Loving texts. The good, the bad, and the ugly.

This year I have actually been keeping a journal since April, and it is nearly filled. I don't write in it everyday. Some days I feel the need to blog and on other days I feel the need to write in my journal. Some days it is hard to do either. Sometimes I don't want to relive what has recently occurred. As I have mentioned in a previous post I am tired. I am worn down. There are moments where I just want to give up. Moments where I feel that I can't take one more step. Last night as I was sitting next to my bed two journals caught my eye. They are from the last time that I kept a journal. They are from when I first came face to face with depression. I pulled them out and began to read. Tom joined me around the time that I was going through a breakup. I was asking myself what is my purpose in this life? Where am I headed? Where would Heavenly Father have me go? Where is Mr. Right and when will we meet? Little did I know that I had already met Mr. Right and that we were friends. I write about getting engaged and there are a few entries after I'm married, but then I stopped writing and haven't written until this year.

I felt a little disheartened after reading my journals. I then had Tom read my journal entry that I had just written hours before. And guess what? I am asking a lot of the same questions. What is my purpose in this life? Where is my life headed? Where would Heavenly Father have me go? I even took a week long class on finding your divine purpose at education week. It is something that has been my mind as I move forward in recovery. What comes next? I really have no idea. No desire burns within me towards anything. I'm still not really reading and I haven't scrapbooked in months (in the traditional way).

I have come to realize that Josalyn has left a void in my life that I'm not sure how to fill. I got a small taste of what it is like to love a child unconditionally. I would do anything for her. I picture in my mind when I walked into the White's home in August and saw Josalyn for the first time since she had moved. She came running and jumped into my arms. I dropped whatever I was holding and we giggled and laughed and hugged. It was a moment where I felt that we were truly connected. And then I think of the moment when it came time to say goodbye. Her crying and screaming with arms stretched out as her babysitter held her at the door. This isn't the first time she has done this, but this time it broke my heart. For as the door shut I didn't know when I would see her next. Just thinking about it brings tears to my eyes. I miss "my" little girl.

I have another relationship that is in turmoil that has caused my heart to ache every day for weeks now. I don't even know the whole story or see the big picture. I am lost and confused. I have prayed fervently and acted on all the inspiration I have received. Last Saturday was rough and I so wanted answers. I know He knows what is going on, and I find myself begging Him for even just a little light so that I will understand. Each time I'm promised that He will help me to be patient and wait. Not exactly what I want to hear. But last Saturday I was actually told through a priesthood blessing to take action. It was something that I never thought I would have to do, and I was terrified. My anxiety levels skyrocketed, and I honestly wasn't sure I could do it even though Heavenly Father told me He had faith in me and I would be inspired as to what to say. As the time drew near I sat frozen in place telling myself this is too hard. I can't do this. This might actually make things harder on myself. But before I knew it I was up and moving forward and I did what Heavenly Father asked of me. And I emotionally lost it afterwards.

I find myself asking why now? Especially considering my emotional and mental state. My therapist smiled and said, "Isn't it amazing how Heavenly Father knows how strong we are? Stronger than we realize." I can't say that I feel strong, but what I did took a lot of courage. I was promised at the beginning of this year that it would be a year of joy and that I would see many miracles. Sometimes I have worried that I'm not looking hard enough because I know miracles can be small tender mercies. What I accomplished on Sunday was a miracle. One I wouldn't have been able to complete if I did not believe Heavenly Father's promises.

I may have changed my one little word from 'Trust' to 'Light,' but Heavenly Father already knew what was in store for me this year. He knew that I would have the desire and energy to seek after Light. He also knew that I would have to come to trust Him to make it to the end of this very difficult year. I also took a class at education week about placing your will on God's altar. It is truly the only one thing we can turn over to Him. I have learned a lot about trusting God this year. As I have shown in other blog posts there are times that I have turned my back on Him but then find myself turning back to Him once again. My future looks empty right now. I sometimes wonder why I am even fighting. What is the purpose? I pray fervently for an answer and have yet to receive one.

One morning last week I woke up and the song "When You Believe" came to my mind. I had happened on a music video of it a few weeks back and hadn't thought of it since. I immediately got on the computer and watched it again and again. It says what is in my heart. Trusting God and His timing isn't always easy, but I always tell myself that His timing is perfect and why would I want to mess with that. I know that Heavenly Father is there with a listening ear, and I do believe in miracles. But being the human that I am I need the reminder especially during my darkest moments.

"They don't always happen when you ask
And it's easy to give in to your fear
But when you're blinded by your pain
Can't see your way safely through the rain
Thought of a still resilient voice
Says love is very near"
"There can be miracles
When you believe
Though hope is frail
It's hard to kill
Who knows what miracles
You can achieve
When you believe
Somehow you will
Now you will
You will when you believe"
And the moments where my hope is frail Heavenly Father sends loving hands to help hold me up and move forward. And through the power of the grace of Jesus Christ I am able to find the power within. Even if it is just one small step at a time. Even if all I have strength for is standing still and resting before I take one more rugged step up this mountain I find myself climbing. There have been many miracles this year, and I have the hope and belief that miracles are achieved even through the pouring rain.

1 comment:

Thomas said...

I know it's often hard to see the miracles, but you have been very helpful to me in helping me see the miracles in both of our lives. I know that although the last couple of weeks have been especially rough, (especially when trying to think about miracles), but I believe. I love you Melissa and know there are still many miracles awaiting you. Thank you for the wonderful post.