Grieving

Grieving is a process with how we deal with loss - big or small. There are five stages of grief. They don't have to be experienced in order. Sometimes you can experience two of the stages at the same time. Everyone experiences grieving in their own way.

1. Denial, disbelief, numbness
2. Anger, blaming others
3. Bargaining
4. Depressed mood, sadness, and crying
5. Acceptance, coming to terms

When Heavenly Father told me it was time to start the grieving process I started sobbing. I didn't want to. It felt like giving up. It felt like losing hope. I viewed it negatively. I kept asking God haven't I been through enough this year? Why this? Why now?

I believe I mentioned before that I haven't been sleeping well for almost three months now. I wake up a number of times throughout the night. Sometimes feeling more and more anxious as the morning begins to dawn. I am physically spent, so you would think that I would actually sleep. I am on a natural sleeping aid and a medication, so falling asleep isn't a problem. It is staying asleep. Well early this morning I was feeling overly anxious and sitting next to my bed. I had tried sleeping on the couch and in the chair. When 5:30 am hit I sat in my new corner waiting for 6 am to arrive. That is the earliest time I allow myself to take my morning medication which does contain an anti-anxiety medication. Tom came and sat down next to me on the floor and said something that really got me thinking. I was expressing how tired I was. How anxious I was feeling. Why do I have to grieve? He said so that all the emotion could be dealt with. So that I could cry in an environment where I felt comfortable doing so (I hate crying in front of people).

I have experienced a lot of loss this year of many types one after the other. I'm not sure I have grieved fully any of those losses because another one hits soon after. And I believe I have stuffed all that emotion deep inside. My therapist has tried to get me to bring it up on a number of occasions, but I always tell her that the minute I enter her front door I stuff it away. Usually. Lately I have found everything to be draining. Even good things. I have come to be dissatisfied with my calling which I love and I really wouldn't want a different one. I couldn't understand it. I have felt strongly that I do NOT want to teach sharing time.

This week I have been the Ultimate Hermit staying at home and keeping my phone on silent. Now I haven't been just twiddling my thumbs. I found myself one day cleaning all day. Scrubbing and painting walls. Doing laundry. Reorganizing spaces. Purging. Taking out the garbage. Doing the dishes (Tom usually does them). Yesterday I found myself working on Project Life for 2011. It is so close to being completed. I have even been reading a little bit. The TV has hardly been turned on. For some reason I haven't really wanted to watch movies for months.

It was early this morning that I came to the conclusion that I have been in many ways fighting the grieving process. Humans in general will run from negative emotion. But you know what? It is a part of life. Something that we shouldn't run from. Running just prolongs the agony and can actually make us physically sick. I have been experiencing Limbo Loss for three months, and I can tell you that it has taken its toll. Part of me just wants to skip over the next three months. I'm not in a mood to celebrate the holidays. I'm ready for this year to be over. I'm now viewing those months differently.

I think that for the next three months I need to focus on healing. I have given all that I have, and I am worn out. It is time to let the varying emotions lose. I have been feeling guilty for taking time to be alone. I keep telling myself that I should be focusing on other friendships now that this other one has come to an end. I keep telling myself that I should put forth effort to get to know certain people better. All good things. But emotionally, mentally, physically, and even on some level spiritually I am not at a place to put forth that effort. It feels selfish, but it is time to take care of myself. And if that means I need a couple of weeks without interacting with anyone but Tom that is OK. If I tell people 'no I can't do something' that is OK. My body needs a rest. And I'm still dealing with varying levels of depression and anxiety.

It is time to stop running and turn around and face what I have left behind. The loss of my grandparents. The loss of my uncle. The loss of Sketch Support. The loss of Josalyn & Bryce. The loss of Leslie. The loss of this new friendship. The loss of physical health. The loss of our savings. The loss of mental health. The loss of losing the desire to do the things that I used to love. The limbo loss of not knowing if this is our last year in Eugene or not. The limbo loss of whether or not Tom will have everything done in time for graduation. I could go on. And so these next three months I am going to allow myself to be sad. Allow myself to cry. Allow myself to get angry. Allow myself to not feel guilty for any of it. And I'm sure as I start letting go that I will slowly rejoin the world of the living.

To everything there is a season,

and a time to every purpose

under heaven.

 

A time to be born, and a time to die;

a time to plant,

and a time to pluck up that which is planted;

 

A time to kill, and a time to heal;

a time to break down, and a time to build up;

 

A time to weep, and a time to laugh;

a time to mourn, and a time to dance;

 

A time to cast away stones,

and a time to gather stones together;

 

A time to embrace,

and a time to refrain from embracing;

 

A time to get, and a time to lose;

a time to keep, and a time to cast away;

 

A time to rend, and a time to sew;

a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;

 

A time to love, and a time to hate;

a time of war, and a time of peace.

 

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

 

And so I'm going to allow myself a time to weep, to mourn, to hate (get angry), to break down, a time to keep silent, etc. I believe as I allow these emotions to run free I will then find that slowly there will be a time to laugh, a time to build up, a time to heal, a time to get, and a time to love. For our Heavenly Father is wise and knows what we need most. I'm going to do my best to view these last three months as a gift of a time to heal. No deadlines. No hurry. Because I think we have all experienced that grieving takes time. And I am blessed that I really do have three months where I can take time to heal. Now of course it could take longer than that or less. But "to every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven". 

Blown Away

Saturday evening I found myself contemplating whether or not January 1, 2005 was the hardest day of my life or that day (Saturday). Many similarities but in many ways different. Another door has fully shut in my life. A door that Heavenly Father said was opening months ago. The evening of January 1st I got dumped by my boyfriend over the phone. I have shared a little of that experience in my blog post titled "Change". It took months for me to move on. I don't think I was fully over the experience even when I married Tom. Did I still love my ex-boyfriend? No. Love is an action word. It takes effort and time. It needs to be fed. Did I still care for my ex-boyfriend? Yes. But mainly I was still feeling hurt. I had to come to accept that this relationship would never have closure. A few years down the road he actually sent me a message and apologized for all the hurt he caused me and for the way that he broke up with me. It was nice but I had moved on and I didn't feel the need for closure anymore.

In this instance this was the only time that I was dumped. All my other relationships just fizzled over time. And the first guy that I really fell in love with still holds a special place in my heart. Loosing your boyfriend, best friend, potential mate is HARD. And it hurts. And it takes time to grieve over that loss. I was able to walk away from that relationship knowing that I had given it my all. I think some of those around me were surprised at how hard I took the loss. But they didn't know the full story. No one did but my parents up until we broke up.

Those who are close to me know that if they bring up the "Twilight" series to me that they are going to get an earful. But if I am asked which one is my favorite out of the four I would choose "New Moon." Many are surprised because that tends to be the one on the bottom of the list unless you are a die hard Jacob fan. I have heard people say that it is their least favorite because Edward is hardly in it. I've heard others say that Bella is being over dramatic with the loss of Edward in her life. Who would fall into a deep depression and fall apart over a guy? Come on she is just a teenager! "New Moon" is my favorite because I can relate to Bella. I know what it is like to want to die after a relationship ends. How much you wish you could just disappear because it hurts too much. How you almost wish they had died instead because then they didn't make the choice to leave you. How easy it is to slip into depression.

I was recently asked by a friend if  I could go back to when I made the decision to enter that relationship (one that no one supported and my mom came to Provo to talk me out of) would I still make the same decision. I quickly answered yes. Now if he had asked me that question the night of January 1st I may have said no. I learned so much over those nine months. I became less judgemental. I became more compassionate. Those nine months were anything but easy for me. But if I hadn't gone through them then I probably would have walked away from relationships I have made since then because I wouldn't even have a glimpse of understanding or empathy towards them.

But even having experienced all that I think that Saturday was the hardest day of my life. In my blog post titled "Change" and the one I wrote just before this one talks about a relationship that was in turmoil. For a little more than ten weeks I was experiencing limbo loss (just relearned that phrase from a book I'm reading). A friend demanded six weeks of space. She obviously had given it a lot of thought, but it side-swiped me. I have never experienced anyone needing that much space from me. I was hurt, and I didn't completely understand. But to the best of my ability I began to give her those six weeks of space (though I did have Tom talk to her mom two times in the beginning so that I could start the six weeks with a sense of peace). I loved her and was willing to give her what she needed. Well four weeks later I get a short and curt email that basically said that our friendship wasn't worth the cost. Basically I wasn't worth it. I lost it. I wanted to ingest every single pill that I had. Instead I threw them all over the living room. I was so angry and hurt. I collapsed to the ground sobbing and  asking "Why?" over and over again. I would do anything to salvage the relationship. She meant that much to me.

Now some of you may be thinking that it was time to let go and move on. And if someone had shared that experience with me I would tell them that they are better off without that friend. That maybe she was never truly a friend. That it was her loss. But she was a close friend. A friend that I trusted. A friend that knew more about what I had been experiencing than anyone else besides Tom and my therapist. She stood by me through it all. She received inspiration on my behalf. She in many ways saved my life. I admitted myself to the JU because of her understanding and the trust that I had in her. She sacrificed much for me. And I'm guessing that I don't even know all the sacrifices that she made. For a time I could only feel the emotion of love when wrapped in  her arms. Her hugs were magical, and I never wanted to let go. I couldn't imagine her never coming through my front door again or to never receive another hug or to hear her special nickname that only she called me.

Once I calmed down enough I sobbed a prayer to God telling him how I was feeling and that I didn't want to give up on her. That I loved her so much and that I felt that she was worth it. I then asked for a priesthood blessing. In it it stated exactly what I needed to email her. And one of those things was something that I had decided that if it came to that that I would end the relationship. But I put my trust in God and sent the email. I then waited (still going about doing things but didn't take anymore action towards that relationship). The last couple of weeks my patience began to wear thin. I hadn't had a decent night's sleep since it all began. I now can't stand sleeping in my bed because every time I do I wake up with panic attacks or I'm hyperventilating. So now I spend my nights on the couch. My memory has gone way downhill. My energy levels have dropped to where I don't even have the energy to ride my bike. I'm exhausted. I've been overly emotional. Simply put I've been a mess.

I poured my heart out to God telling Him I felt like I was getting weaker by the day. That I wasn't sure how much longer I could wait. I came close so many times to telling her that she was right, I wasn't worth it. Well I was told that she was given enough time and that it was to be a week of action. Little did I know that what He was going to ask me to do would be so difficult. In the previous post I share the first thing He asked of me that I considered a miracle because I was able to accomplish it. A couple of mornings ago I woke up with the need to write down a list of all the things I loved about this person. I felt that I was doing it for myself so that I would remember why I love her so much. But I felt strongly that I needed to give her the list. It was up to me on when and how I was going to do it. I wasn't sure what action to take. I felt that if I made one slight mistake that my second chance would be toast.

Saturday morning was hard for me. I really was coming to the end of my rope. I felt that I had no more left to give to anyone. Well God asked one more hard thing of me. I was to visit this person at work and give her the list of reasons why I loved her. I was terrified. Before the previous Sunday we hadn't communicated in weeks. I didn't know what she was thinking or feeling. But once again I put my trust in God and was hoping for the miracle that He promised me days before. That she would turn towards me with an open heart.

To say that our conversation went badly is an understatement. I have never ever been treated so coldly. I asked her for a minute of her time and I could tell right off she was not happy that I was there. We went into a back room and she glared at me waiting for me to start talking. I got so nervous that it took me awhile to gather back my thoughts. But I started to talk and express that I was doing my best to follow God's will. I handed her my list and she folded it up. I won't go into the whole conversation, but I ended up crying and I mean crying hard and she just stood there. Stone cold. She came to understand that I was not there to delve into the past but to pass her my list and tell her that I was confused about what I could have done that was so unforgivable and that would make us go from close friends to just simple acquaintances (I wasn't even sure what that meant). She understood that I wanted to resolve things. She said she would have to pray and think about that. I told her that I respected that and that I loved her. She opened the door and I stormed out.

My immediate reaction was why did I put myself through so much suffering for this? Was God playing with me? Had I said too much? Did I get too defensive towards the end? I went away more confused than ever and deeply hurt. I came to the realization that she had hardened her heart against me. My desire to meet with her to talk things out died, for I know that no matter what I say I would be wrong or it would fall on deaf ears. She had made her decision, and as I thought about it I realized that she had started to harden her heart towards me from the very beginning. My heart wasn't only broken; it was shattered.

Tom had to work that evening, so I prayed and played "When You Believe" over and over again. Trying to believe that a miracle was still possible. That God is a God of miracles and He could soften her heart. But we have been given the gift of agency and God respects that. I waited until Tom got home from work (almost 1 am) and we talked til 2 am. I then asked for a priesthood blessing. I was told that my friend had missed her opportunity and it was time to start grieving. I started sobbing. This was not how I pictured things ending. I didn't want my last memory to be having her look at me with cold uncaring eyes.

I have never experienced the end of a friendship in such a way. It is obvious that in her mind it ended weeks ago, but I held onto what God told me and inspired me to do. I find myself at a loss. She is everywhere in my apartment. I went home from talking to her and changed and ended up putting on a top she gave me. I ended up sleeping in a nightgown she gave me. As I went to put my wallet away I came to realize that she gave it to me. I have no idea what to keep, what to hide, and what to part with. What will make the loss of my trusted friend more easy? I don't know. I know that I'm still in shock. I was looking through a scrapbook from 2010 and came across a picture of her. I saw warmth in her smile and in her eyes. Where did she go and what caused her to harden her heart against me? What did I do that has made her so angry? I have no idea, and I'm not sure if I will ever know the answers. I still love her so much, but it is time to turn her over to God and move on.

I want to ask God, "How in the heck is this going to be a year of joy?" Because right where I'm standing right now it is still a year of Hell. I can't even begin to imagine what would make the next three months joyful ones. I started reading "How to Survive the Loss of a Love" yesterday and with all the different types of losses there are I have experienced ten this year. And they haven't been small ones.

Not that long ago I came across the song "Blown Away," sung by Carrie Underwood, and it really stuck with me. I wasn't sure why. Thankfully my mother is not an angel in the ground and my father is not an alcoholic. It is the chorus that really speaks to me. How do I blow away all the negative memories and hold onto the good ones? I don't want to harden my heart towards her. I don't want the past memories to be tainted by recent events. Relationships are so important to me so how do I let go because I don't want to. I want to believe that somewhere deep in her heart my friend can be found. That it isn't too late. I don't want her blown away from my life.

When You Believe

I am not a consistent journal writer by any means. Next to my bed you will find a few journals where half of them are blank. I always made goals to improve in that area but never really have. I know scrapbooking is a way of documenting my story. They say a picture is worth 1,000 words, but on my scrapbook pages my journaling is usually brief and really doesn't delve into my emotions. I also do Project Life which is a photo scrapbook with journaling. For the past three years I have used it to document my life using the 365 approach. As in I take a photo every single day. Only 2009 is fully completed. 2010 is in need of lots of journaling. 2011 is close to becoming completed.

At the beginning of this year I knew that taking a photo a day was unrealistic. I already had my album set up and ready to go. I decided to take the weekly approach (document my life week by week). I have picked up my camera a lot less this year. I started to collect memorabilia to fill in the gaps. I had one good week while my mom was down and we got an organizational system down. A folder for each week so I would know where all that stuff would go. I have been working on 2012. At times I have to set it aside because it hurts too much and I haven't even begun journaling yet! The last three albums only took one scrapbook album each. This year it is going to take three because of all the inserts I'm adding. I know this is the only way I'm going to really document this year photo-wise, and I feel that it is important to document my story. My struggle. My heartache. My time in the Johnson Unit. The cards that loved ones have sent. Care packages that have been sent my way. Loving texts. The good, the bad, and the ugly.

This year I have actually been keeping a journal since April, and it is nearly filled. I don't write in it everyday. Some days I feel the need to blog and on other days I feel the need to write in my journal. Some days it is hard to do either. Sometimes I don't want to relive what has recently occurred. As I have mentioned in a previous post I am tired. I am worn down. There are moments where I just want to give up. Moments where I feel that I can't take one more step. Last night as I was sitting next to my bed two journals caught my eye. They are from the last time that I kept a journal. They are from when I first came face to face with depression. I pulled them out and began to read. Tom joined me around the time that I was going through a breakup. I was asking myself what is my purpose in this life? Where am I headed? Where would Heavenly Father have me go? Where is Mr. Right and when will we meet? Little did I know that I had already met Mr. Right and that we were friends. I write about getting engaged and there are a few entries after I'm married, but then I stopped writing and haven't written until this year.

I felt a little disheartened after reading my journals. I then had Tom read my journal entry that I had just written hours before. And guess what? I am asking a lot of the same questions. What is my purpose in this life? Where is my life headed? Where would Heavenly Father have me go? I even took a week long class on finding your divine purpose at education week. It is something that has been my mind as I move forward in recovery. What comes next? I really have no idea. No desire burns within me towards anything. I'm still not really reading and I haven't scrapbooked in months (in the traditional way).

I have come to realize that Josalyn has left a void in my life that I'm not sure how to fill. I got a small taste of what it is like to love a child unconditionally. I would do anything for her. I picture in my mind when I walked into the White's home in August and saw Josalyn for the first time since she had moved. She came running and jumped into my arms. I dropped whatever I was holding and we giggled and laughed and hugged. It was a moment where I felt that we were truly connected. And then I think of the moment when it came time to say goodbye. Her crying and screaming with arms stretched out as her babysitter held her at the door. This isn't the first time she has done this, but this time it broke my heart. For as the door shut I didn't know when I would see her next. Just thinking about it brings tears to my eyes. I miss "my" little girl.

I have another relationship that is in turmoil that has caused my heart to ache every day for weeks now. I don't even know the whole story or see the big picture. I am lost and confused. I have prayed fervently and acted on all the inspiration I have received. Last Saturday was rough and I so wanted answers. I know He knows what is going on, and I find myself begging Him for even just a little light so that I will understand. Each time I'm promised that He will help me to be patient and wait. Not exactly what I want to hear. But last Saturday I was actually told through a priesthood blessing to take action. It was something that I never thought I would have to do, and I was terrified. My anxiety levels skyrocketed, and I honestly wasn't sure I could do it even though Heavenly Father told me He had faith in me and I would be inspired as to what to say. As the time drew near I sat frozen in place telling myself this is too hard. I can't do this. This might actually make things harder on myself. But before I knew it I was up and moving forward and I did what Heavenly Father asked of me. And I emotionally lost it afterwards.

I find myself asking why now? Especially considering my emotional and mental state. My therapist smiled and said, "Isn't it amazing how Heavenly Father knows how strong we are? Stronger than we realize." I can't say that I feel strong, but what I did took a lot of courage. I was promised at the beginning of this year that it would be a year of joy and that I would see many miracles. Sometimes I have worried that I'm not looking hard enough because I know miracles can be small tender mercies. What I accomplished on Sunday was a miracle. One I wouldn't have been able to complete if I did not believe Heavenly Father's promises.

I may have changed my one little word from 'Trust' to 'Light,' but Heavenly Father already knew what was in store for me this year. He knew that I would have the desire and energy to seek after Light. He also knew that I would have to come to trust Him to make it to the end of this very difficult year. I also took a class at education week about placing your will on God's altar. It is truly the only one thing we can turn over to Him. I have learned a lot about trusting God this year. As I have shown in other blog posts there are times that I have turned my back on Him but then find myself turning back to Him once again. My future looks empty right now. I sometimes wonder why I am even fighting. What is the purpose? I pray fervently for an answer and have yet to receive one.

One morning last week I woke up and the song "When You Believe" came to my mind. I had happened on a music video of it a few weeks back and hadn't thought of it since. I immediately got on the computer and watched it again and again. It says what is in my heart. Trusting God and His timing isn't always easy, but I always tell myself that His timing is perfect and why would I want to mess with that. I know that Heavenly Father is there with a listening ear, and I do believe in miracles. But being the human that I am I need the reminder especially during my darkest moments.

"They don't always happen when you ask
And it's easy to give in to your fear
But when you're blinded by your pain
Can't see your way safely through the rain
Thought of a still resilient voice
Says love is very near"

 

"There can be miracles
When you believe
Though hope is frail
It's hard to kill
Who knows what miracles
You can achieve
When you believe

Somehow you will
Now you will
You will when you believe"

 

And the moments where my hope is frail Heavenly Father sends loving hands to help hold me up and move forward. And through the power of the grace of Jesus Christ I am able to find the power within. Even if it is just one small step at a time. Even if all I have strength for is standing still and resting before I take one more rugged step up this mountain I find myself climbing. There have been many miracles this year, and I have the hope and belief that miracles are achieved even through the pouring rain.

 



Taking Chances

Last December at the Anderson/Ririe Christmas party the Anderson's talked about how Ron was going to bike down the west coast in June and Lynette and Kari were going to drive down to pick him up but before heading home they were going to visit Disneyland. They are true Disney fans. They have a photo wall in their home that is just dedicated to photos from rides. They have been to Disneyland so many times as well as Disney World and Disneyland in Paris.

I have been wanting to visit Disneyland since my last visit (2007). I was invited to join Kari and Lynette on the ride down. I was so excited! I just had to make sure that I had money set aside for my ticket, meals and any souvenirs that I would want. At that time I really thought by June my struggles with depression and anxiety would be over.

On Easter Sunday I went to church at my parent's ward. Kari pulled me aside telling me their had been changes to our planed trip to Disneyland. I was thinking that maybe they weren't going or I was being uninvited for an important reason. I was way off. Kari let me know that my ticket to Disneyland and California Adventure was covered. I was confused and she just said there was enough in the budget to cover it. I was guessing that her parents realized that Tom and I probably had been dishing out the money for my medical issues and that we were on a tight budget. I was touched and also very thankful.

May arrived and I was still struggling with depression and anxiety. I wasn't sure how I would be doing at the end of June. I was worried that I would have to fake being happy or that I would ruin the fun. At this point Lynette wasn't making the trip, so Kari was counting on me to drive down with her though she did have a back up plan. I didn't know what to do. But I knew there was someone who knew how I would be doing at the end of June. So I sobbed my heart out to God. I told Him I needed to know what to do because I had no way of predicting the future. I then had Tom give me a Priesthood Blessing. I was told that if I went my relationship with Kari would be strengthened, that my anxiety levels would drop and that I would enjoy myself. I still felt scared, but I decided to hold God to His promises and texted Kari that I would be joining her. Did I stop worrying? No. I worried right up until we left, but I took the leap of faith and went.

I had a blast and God did keep his promises. I also had never been to California Adventure before, and that was exciting for me. Now I have a fear of heights, so I planned on skipping out on a few of the rides. But as I walked through the gate I wanted to prove to myself that I was alive. That if I could go through Hell then why couldn't I go on these rides that I had vowed never to ride? I wanted to feel brave. I wanted to feel free.

I not only went down Splash Mountain, but I raised up my arms on the way down. I went on the Hollywood Tower of Terror twice. The first time I did get caught off guard and grabbed Kari's arm and clawed Ron's arm. But when the ride was over my response was, "Is that it?" I only went a second time to get a better photo. Personally I can't see why people go on that ride over and over again because I find it boring compared to a lot of the other rides. Big surprise to me! Now I thought there is no way I could go on California Screamin'. I do not like roller coasters and especially ones where you go upside down. At least I didn't think I liked them because I had never been on one. Well I found myself in line. I found myself climbing on. I found myself screaming. I LOVED it! I also went on it twice.

I loved going on most of the rides with Kari and Ron, but I also loved that Kari and I got our pictures taken with a lot of characters. I finally got my photo taken with Belle, my favorite princess by far. As Kari and I were getting our photo taken with Princess Tiana she asked us what the highlight of our day was. I didn't stop and think but blurted out meeting Belle. Awkward silence. We hurried and had our photo taken and walked away quickly. But honestly, how could Princess Tiana even begin to compare with Belle. :o)

So thank you to Kari and Ron for a trip of a lifetime and also to Lynette for helping to make it possible for me to find some joy. For a trip where I could leave my problems behind me for a time. For the opportunity to take chances and to come out on top.

 

 

 

Jesus, Take the Wheel

Next month marks the beginning of the road I have found myself traveling down. Last October I didn't realize what the future held or that I was already taking steps towards this Hellish path. The first sign of depression is a change in sleeping habits and to think that I laughed. I found it annoying that I was waking up earlier each morning no matter what time I went to bed but joked to my mom that I was finally becoming the morning person she always wanted me to be.

It is hard for me to comprehend that it has almost been a year...a whole year. In so many ways it has passed by quickly and in so many ways it has been the longest year of my life. A year of so many changes. A year of so many losses. A year of unkind words spoken. A year of making myself do things that I had no desire doing. A year of where I looked in the mirror and wondered where I had gone. A year of transition. A year of hardship. A year of Hell.

For the last few months I have been in recovery. Taking steps and moving forward. It didn't mean that I wasn't anxious. It didn't mean that I wasn't depressed. It did mean that I had no desire to take my own life. There were moments where I wished I could die because the emotional pain felt like too much to bear but somehow I pulled through. I truly believed that I had seen the end of suicidal thoughts or suicidal rampages. That I was fine being left alone and didn't need to be under suicide watch. But I was wrong.

Last week I celebrated my 31st birthday with family and friends. Towards the end of the celebrations I caught a nasty cold. I became physically, emotionally and mentally drained. I began to notice that I felt sick inside and I wasn't sure why. I also noticed that I was having a problem pronouncing words that never before had given me any trouble. I repeated to Tom many times that I was losing it. Tears were constantly below the surface and many did fall. I ran out of my antianxiety medication on Sunday and my anxiety went through the roof and I found myself going through withdrawals (it is truly addictive). Even after getting the medication on Monday I still felt out of control and that I was on slippery ground.

Yesterday I felt like hiding in my little corner but I pulled out my scriptures and read. I worked on Project Life (photo scrapbook). I still found myself crying. I also found myself worried that I might be pregnant. We really didn't think I was but the last two months have been so abnormal that I wasn't 100% sure. I kept telling myself that my psych nurse is going to kill me if I am. The natural sleeping aid I'm taking can do a wicked number on a baby and I had given her my word that there was no chance that I would become pregnant. Tom finally went out and bought a test so my fears could be put to rest. It was negative. I didn't feel happy or sad. I just felt dead and did go hibernate in my corner.

Not more than an hour later a friend texted me that she was expecting. I lost it. I fell to the ground sobbing. Do I wish I was pregnant? No. But I felt it was another example of someone getting what they wanted when all I could do was hold on for dear life. Tom being the good husband that he is tried his best to comfort me. The more he went on the angrier I got. I went into what was probably my worst suicidal rampage. Tom had to fight me once again and do his best to keep me pinned to the ground. Eventually I calmed down enough that he could clear the bathroom of everything and I got my space. How long was I in there? Oh for a few hours and then I moved to the couch. Tom went to bed with his clothes on because I've been known to bolt from the apartment in the past.

Now in the past I have blogged usually after the fact once I had my emotions somewhat in check. Today I am blogging amidst those emotions. I am tired. I am drained. I feel as though I have no more fight in me. I don't want to hear for the thousandth time that everything is going to be okay. I have been hearing that for almost a year and you know what? Everything is not okay. Today is a day that I cannot fake it. I have fought hard and I want to be done. My faith? On the shaky side. Some days it is just hard to hang on. I'm sure most of you can relate.

And so for now I look heavenward and throw up my arms and say, "Jesus, take the wheel. Take it from my hands because I can't do this on my own. I'm letting go so give me one more chance to save me from this road I'm on. Jesus, take the wheel."